to my past lovers

always

july 11, 2017

hi owen,

my high school crush. this must be easy to write. i'm lanie summers, we we're classmates in 3 classes, we were in a group together, and you noticed me three times too.

you managed to make the number three look so complete and even.

i bet you will never read this letter, because i always had the theory that your room is full of love letters from girls and dudes that just find you so damn attractive.

i never found you attractive though, its because you were just so typical.

i know this is all such a tidal wave of confessions coming your way, and i apologize for bombarding all sorts of information to you just now. i was a very, very complicated teenager.

i like to think we all were, including you owen. when people look at you, it suddenly seems like high school is complete, because what is high school without the popular dude who always snatches every girls hearts, including the ones that are in a relationship? i mean, high school needed a guy like you.

and funny enough, just like high school, i needed a guy like you.

that was what high school was about, needing something you never really needed. i like to think its because everyone was dying to get there hands on you, to be your friend, to be your girlfriend or boyfriend, that those blurry days looked like a contest.

let me describe just what you are owen, you are ridiculously beautiful, and for a guy with a status like you, i was thinking you didn't have the brains, but just like how you caught me by surprise the first time you spoke my name, you did have them.

so the first thing that attracted me towards you, was not because you were handsome (even though that part surely helped a lot) it is because you knew how to use your intelligence. you didn't take that for granted, and you actually seemed capable in handling both your popularity and your homework.

so, when i first started falling for you, lets just point out the fact that i was sixteen. i would have believed anything, and accepted anything at that age. i was a fool.

i am a mess, like any other seventeen year old who still has a hard time trying to figure out who they are. i'm not gonna act like i knew who i am at that age, because i don't. i was searching for myself, still.

it is absolutely tiring if you ask me.

what drew me to you was the fact that you always showed off how you got it all together. when someone asked you what your plans are for college, what is your dream job, what do you want for your future, what your goals are, you always answer them without distrust in yourself.

i wanted someone like that.

here is where the stupid comes in:

1. i actually thought that if you were so set on a future, i can be a part of it without having to plan it.
2. i actually thought if you're so figured out, i would be too.
3. if you have fallen in love with me too, we are already set for the days to come

none of those three came true, i didn't even come close to you. i was always three, seven, fourteen, twenty steps behind you.

i kept forcing myself to catch up, to muster the courage to finally speak to you but i never really accepted the fact that when it comes to people like me, you turn deaf. you don't hear me, less even notice me.

i was having a hard time chewing the reality.

you had a league of people you can only hear, and i am nowhere near those people, i don't even breathe the same air as them.

when i thought hope was lost and when i was thinking that maybe i can figure the future out by myself, and that not having you was not important, you drifted your eyes my way.

the first time you noticed me was in our gym class. when my nose was bleeding from being hit by the volleyball.

great way to get noticed right?

well i took that as a chance, and even if i spurted out blood through my nose, you were the one who brought me to the clinic. at first, i was so stoked. you actually volunteered to take me to the clinic and all the girls where staring at me, probably hoping they where in my situation. you didn't talk much when we were walking. i was so stiff because you where holding my shoulders to keep me from walking like a drunk.

my hands where on my nose and when you asked, "you alright? bet that sucked pretty bad." i couldn't come up with a reply, i tried to but the words weren't understandable and you just let out a chuckle.

when we arrived, you explained to the nurse what happened and just like that you passed me to her, very gently, and smiled at me before leaving me.

i couldn't bother to give you a smile back since the blood is probably dripping on my lips, and i didn't want to look like a weirdo in front of you, which thinking about it now, i already was a weirdo the first time you saw that ball hit my face.

that was the first time you noticed me.

it could have been worse than that scenario so i'll take it.

the second time you noticed me was even more embarrassing than the first one.

the reason i find it much more humiliating is because the second time was completely on me and my klutziness.

it happened on the cafeteria, and it would have been more passable if it wasn't so close to the table you and your perfect friends where sitting in, but just my luck, it was. it was too close.

that time though, you didn't bother to help me when i was on the floor, trying to gather my spilled food, and the worst part was no one even laughed at me. no one took notice of me when i dropped my lunch.

another worse part? it was that you were the only eyes i caught who looked down on me in confusion. you were confused if you would help, because that would surely help your reputation out as the most masculine and polite guy in this school.

you didn't help me even if i was looking like i needed the help.

i forgot to tell myself that you were being a dick for that, i was too busy hoping that you didn't think i was just a clumsy girl full of loser in her system.

days went on after that unnoticeable incident. i hanged out with my friends that told me you were out of my grasp, and you were hanging out with friends that made you feel you "are" sitting on the high chair.

i hadn't really noticed how shitty you made the others feel, its because i was so consumed in idolizing you that you were just a fake.

i dived right in to the love that i was creating in my head when it comes to you. just dreams and lesser reality. i wanted that so bad and my momma always told me that the things you want are never really always good for you.

they don't really complete you. they just make you feel happy for a while.

a temporary grace.

just like you, owen. you were temporary, the image that you had was temporary.

the pain you caused me was also temporary.

remember that time you had your hands all over me?

they don't burn as much on my skin like it used to back when i was sixteen. but i hope this letter does.

i say this sincerely with my heart, fuck you.

lanie

-

damn, that took a bitter turn.
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