to my past lovers

you

july 1, 2017

dear lucas,

my mom always told me that first loves change your way of perceiving how the world works. no one ever told me why. i guess i just had to find that out for myself.

i didn't consider myself too young when i first met your eyes, lucas. i always saw myself as an independent 14 year old that doesn't get melted once a pair of brown eyes met my own. which i'm thankful that i didn't do just that. i didn't melt whatsoever. yuck, what a teen i would've been if that actually happened.

remembering it now, it would have been acceptable since i was really just a "teen"

instead, i froze.

there were many reasons why i froze. one of those reasons is because it was new year's and everything was so loud i just had to stop for a minute. another reason is because i was too mesmerized by the fireworks. three is when you came to me handing me a party hat.

i've never had my vision switch so fast when you came to me, because you don't even know me and you're handing me a party hat.

the new year of 2008. i met you at new years. funny, thinking about it now, was it really on purpose to meet you at a new chapter of my life? was that the moment i'll start to change on how i look at the world?

at that time, i didn't have any of those speculations. i was just a kid, so were you, and we didn't have any idea on how to fall in love. we had no clue that we were gonna fall in love, and fail miserably at it.

but like any other clueless kid at the young age of 14, i dived right into you.

we became friends that night, and i'll spare the details because they aren't really important. we were just friends and we hardly talked back then. we didn't mind each other that much.

until school started again, and i had one class with you. there you told me about how you enjoyed the party and how thankful you were to have a friend. i didn't even bothered to reply, i just smiled. i never talked much back then. i was silent and i always kept to myself.

ah, the age where i was so emo.

weeks passed when we would just mindlessly pass each other in the hallway and we wouldn't look each other eye to eye. i thought we would just forget each other back then. wrong.

you had a crush on me. you never looked at me in the eye because you said your friends would tease you. you never speak to me anymore because you thought you blew it the first time because i hardly said any word. when news spread and i caught up to it, i didn't give a damn.

im sorry, lucas. but you were kind of a loser back then. i bet you're thinking now "how is this a love letter, she just called me a loser."

truth sucks. truth hurts. aha.

february rolled in and i got my first bouquet of flowers. nothing really fancy. just what you managed to scrape up out of your daily allowance. see, i would have just left it there in my locker to rot, but you spent on me. i can't be a bitch about it and not say thank you. i wasn't that cold. you deserved more than that. you were just so nice.

so i came by your lunch table, sat, and all your friends were smiling their faces off when i did. they managed to pull off great excuses to leave the table and i said this "thank you, how much is it?" and you were just staring at me.

i wasn't that ugly back then right, lucas?

you didn't answer my question. you offered me your lunch, and i didn't refuse. how could i? i was hungry.

starting that day, i was beginning to warm up to you, and you were just so happy. that it made me happy too. i knew all of your friends and my friends knew all of yours. we were like a whole gang just laughing at the table and solving math problems together.

at the age of 14, you just say yes to anything new. to anything that makes you happy for a second and makes your heart flutter like butterfly shit crazy. you asked me to be your girlfriend when you were walking me home from school. the first time my parents hadn't fetched me.

at that time, it all seemed so special. such a unique way to get ask, on a day where its my first time walking home. walking home with a friend, with my boy-friend.

of course i said yes. i was in "love".

right?

after that day, you'd always walk me home. my parents always knew. they never talked to me about serious stuff on where a relationship could lead, i guess they just trusted the young adult in me to know whats wrong and what is right. those times, you were the right one.

could you see how much change already happened?

i depended on you now. the world was you now. your brown hair, your dark skin, your brown eyes. you helped me a lot, and i know helping is everything. it's a nice thing to do. a very smart thing to do.

you helped me so much, i realized i was starting to count on you more than i counted on myself. i was too hard towards myself, if you think about it. i was fourteen. of course i needed help. i guess i was just feeding a lot on it.

thank you, lucas. for taking care of me. i never really got to stress that out.

for whole five months, you were the only person as my favorite contact. we spent the whole summer together. we would run to beaches and live our "young" love everyday. with a bunch of old people always judging and screaming "BUNCH OF FOURTEEN YEAR OLDS" which was not much of an insult because thats what we were.

other people always thought its cute, others were cringing. pressure was there because of everything surrounding us. all of those "you guys don't know forever, you're still young kids." we always fought that statement, saying we would last forever.

our forever for five months.

july rolled in and we were just doing what any young kids do when they have someone to share their heart with.

lucas, i'm glad you were my first love.

i always thought the first love title is always better than the first kiss, first make-out, and first sex titles.

we didn't do any of those. we just loved. which i'm very thankful for because if we did any of those other things you would have ruined me more.

we all knew you ruined me enough.

it seems like the first letter ends here.

don't worry, lucas! there are only two letters. one for the sweet memory of us, another for the pain.

i hope you remember it all, lucas.

you must have remembered it all, i mean, i was also your first love, right?

love,
loved,

lanie