to my past lovers

are

july 4, 2017

lucas,

as you can see by the date, i wrote this letter two days after the first one. i was having a hard time trying to continue this idea of sending these letters.

i bet you're never going to read the letters.

if you do read this, i want you to remember july 12, 2008. the day your parents decided to move to another country.

do you remember what a heart broken young girl i was when i first heard those news, how i instantly cried my eyes out and called you? how i said, "don't leave" like a war cry?

i bet you do.

you only had the month of july to prepare before you'll leave this town. the town we fell in love with.

you were going to leave me, lucas.

this is how my view of the world changed. see, i thought the world is just this middle sized apple. so small, and it's easy to get lost, but also easy to find yourself back where you should be.

when you were leaving, the world became a fucking papaya.

its so big, and so rough, and i didn't want to be a part of a papaya world. i wanted to be a part of the apple world. where you and i stayed in the same spot.

thinking of it now, lucas, that would've been boring. an apple world? what was i thinking?

anyways

because you had to go, because there was no way you were going to stay, because you needed to go, and you needed it more than you needed me.

you stayed by my side all the days of july.

all the days we managed to steal.

all the days you weren't busy packing up stuff, saying goodbye to friends, collecting your files, preparing your leave.

i was busy preparing myself too.

i hated seeing you so sad. when you look at me, it was always happiness in your eyes, thats the only thing you wanted to see in a kid who found someone to be happy about.

but after that, all you could look at me was sadness. you were sad because you couldn't do anything about leaving me behind.

the thoughts about separating never entered our minds, there was the internet, there was texting. we could still be in love over the telephone lines.

i hated the fact we parted that way. imagine the possibilities of still being together now in our twenties.

but i am thankful we parted that way. first loves never make it. thats what i believe in. you had to believe in it too. we were living proof of that.

because if it didn't go down that way, we would have caused ourselves immense pain. we would have left each other, and if we didn't and we managed to make it this far, we would think about what it would be like if we didn't meet. 

we were young. i need to remind myself, even until now. because when you're young, you don't know yourself. you still have to find yourself, and i can't do it with you. that will always be the case.

i need to explain something to you, i bet you're gonna wonder why i did the things i did back then.

i know i was a bitch when i didn't wanted to see you the day you were going to leave. but, by now, you must understand. imagine if i had been there, lucas.

it would've been hard to leave.

i made it easier for you, and yet when you finally arrived and you finally called me after two days, you were mad.

our first fight and we didn't even got to do it face to face.

i missed tons of great relationship things to do with you, lucas. i'm so sorry we never got to go around each and everyone of them.

i bet you're thanking me now. for not showing up. you're welcome.

so, yes we didn't give up our relationship for another three months.

see, the funny thing is. we're technically still dating. because we never called it off. we just lost contact.

do you know how much that sucks? losing contact? we started something so sweet and losing it without even realizing it. we were so busy with the new school year and we just lost our connection. just goodnights and small talks and then after a few weeks we couldn't reach each other anymore.

you would post photos of your new friends in your facebook account and i'd like them. even if the both of us were online we didn't bother to rekindle any words.

i lost you without losing you.

if that makes sense lucas.

this is the pain we were feeling deep inside but we never got the chance to really show it. we forgot each other. we suddenly turned out to be the people who weren't a big serious deal when were not together.

our final legit contact was on october, and we were talking about how much school sucked.

you never contacted me then.

i didn't made the effort also.

you did contact me at the end of the year though, december 25. you wished me a merry christmas, i said it back.

you left me on read.

i went on with my day.

you never introduced who i am to your friends at your new school, i never reminisced you to the ones you left behind. we were so tragic. losing it all because of the oceans separating us.

i can't be sad about that now. i'm too old for that shit. but, when you remember it, like how i remember it, it does take something from your heart.

if you still remember me, lucas. contact me. you could even write me back a letter. just to catch you up on my life:

i moved away from my home and i moved to los angeles.

you moved here too. i still know your facebook account where you post photos of your dog, your late nights on the beach, and the girl you're about to court. diana something.

if you finish reading the letters, send me something to let me know that you still remember.

even just an emoji.

dont worry, lucas. i'm not in love with you anymore so it's cool.

it's almost july. don't leave me hanging. waiting and wanting to hear from you.

lanie