Praying mantis' madness

as a......train?

In the instant Camila saw Lauren panic grew in her and she felt like her 16 year old self again, it's like if someone took her back in a time machine and she was seeing the scene from a far, but this time she was old enough to face this situation. The questions that kept going through her mind were "ok but what if I go and she makes fun of me again like she used to? Or what if she doesn't even remember who am i?" but low key Camila knew the real reasons why she didn't want to greet Lauren, the first one was that she could have been hit by a train made by feelings and memories, the second one was that she didn't want to heal from her maniac attempt to hurt people and she knew Lauren could have the key. It's like when you ask crazies if they want to heal, they would actually look at you and say they don't need help because you are the crazy one not them. Panic kept growing inside me when I saw her walking in my direction, in that moment I felt like if we were in a cold Russian winter and my body got frozen, I just kept feeling my heart was running a race that Bolt could have been a snail compared to it, I felt the room get blurred and I heard her steps being heavy as if she had to carry something with her feet. "Hi Camila" it's all I heard in my blurred vision of the reality in that moment I didn't even want to look up and meet her eyes, she was like Medusa if you meet her stare you could have been petrified, in that moment I just wanted to run away. I wasn't ready to face the woman who made me the psycho I am but I forced myself to look up and at least said "hi", in that moment she said she was surprised and that she knew I am a star, but I wasn't even listening to what she was saying I was thinking that I have to hurt her in the way she did with me and guess what? When I was thinking of hurting her and break her heart in all the way I can one of my songs was playing in my mind " I have questions". Yes I still have questions about her behavior with me, I still remember that time the next day we made love she was with her friends and she was looking at me, I thought she was looking at me because maybe she would have talked to me but I found out she was looking at me because she was mocking me. I still feel her eyes telling me sorry because she knew that high school is a jungle where you don't have to show your feelings, you have to appear stronger and cooler even if you don't want to. It's better to be fake then to be claimed then show the real you and be dragged, that's teens minds. I have questions too on the fact of why she's greeting me now, how can you have the courage to approach me after that? That's why after that "hi" I ran away from her as a thief runs away from a police man, I ran ran ran until she won't see me anymore I just heard her yelling "wait Camila!!". She didn't even try to run and catch me because I wasn't worth it for her as I wasn't worth it in high school when she had to show the real her. Some people at that time told me that with those kind of people you don't have to waste your time. When I was 16 I thought that was bullshit because at the same time my parents used to tell me "go get what you want" as well. I decided to follow my parents advice, but looking back I think the first affirmation was right. Imagine yourself as a train station would you actually invest on customers who would treat the station in a polite way or the ones who get in the station peeing everywhere and not respecting the station? I thought about it when I was running away from her, if she doesn't run to get on a train that could change your life why should I stay there?. Why should I stay here when she will choose how she looks in front of people than her feelings?. Sometimes I think I'm the worst but people as Lauren compared to me are the real worst. I decided to ran away in my favorite Miami's pub "Nostalgico" it was my favorite because it remind me of Cuba and nowadays my childhood is the only thing part of my life that can be said as "healthy" I remember when I was in Cuba have something as an Avocado was a party, it is like that when you have nothing, small things make you happier.

As I wish I could make time go back. I just asked a glass on Havana rum, I just had to forget her and what happened I wish Lauren's figure would have drowned in that amazing rum, at least with Lauren I was being gentle I was allowing her to die in an amazing rum. This is how I end up getting drunk to let drown her inside me I had to drink a lot of alcohol I just stopped when the barman forbidden me to get other drinks, then I paid and I tried to go around for a walk, also I won't call it a walk I prefer call it a hard attempt to stay up and don't come at home crawling. While I was trying to go home, it was late night, I sat in my garden and I looked at the sky, I didn't need lights the stars were already making the sky visible, my garden was in front of my house. I never said it in interviews but my real studio was wherever a garden and stars were, I always loved stars I always believed they are my guardians do you never think about it? The stars watch you growing up they also whisper to you what to do in those nights where you can't sleep because something keeps you up, that night wasn't cold at all. the garden smelled so good like the smell you feel when someone just cut the grass. I kept looking at the sky as if an answer would fly and fix all my problems. how I wish life was that easy. Anyways I don't want to go home and cry over myself because I saw her again, so I decided to go to another pub to meet some friends and maybe see some girls where I will put my hate seed. When I arrive at the pub I see one of my best friends, Dinah she used to be my human Kleenex when I was heart broken for Lauren. She doesn't even greet me that she is already doing a huge speech about the fact that tonight I don't have to hurt girls, like it was a thing I could choose it is a part of me. I need it as humans need water, I need it as the starts need the night and how a train needs a station, I need it to go sleep. This turn touched a brunette girl with green eyes, yes you heard it well, choose girls who were alike her is the funniest and pleasure part. Her name was something with a b...Barbara? Bruna I don't remember, and I don't even care, the most important was fuck her and do it well so well that show would have asked me to do it 6 or 7 times in one night and tell her bullshit as that I would love dating her, giving her my number and taking her to dates so the impact of the heart break would have been bigger. I did all of this under that Dinah's disgusted eyes. I'm sorry D this is C.