If I Stay

06/08/17 - 10.21am

I had choices. I had plans. Now, I'm just lying there. I wonder to myself what I'd be doing if this hadn't of happened, if this mess could all be erased. I could go back to Lydia Martin. Normal, healthy, not lying there hooked up to a breathing machine Lydia.
I stand there as they prod large needles into my pale skin and push and manoeuvre my body around on the pristine sheets.
My body is now in a hospital gown, and I don't remember seeing this happen. There are several doctors crowding me.
My thoughts are on a constant loop, as my eyes glaze over whilst watching these strangers maul my body. What were they doing to Teddy? Where was he? My god, he was only a kid. He hasn't even learnt how to ride a bike yet. My heart ached, it was a pain that shook my bones and rattled my rib cage.
I couldn't bare it.
I rushed out of the room, staring at all the other units on the floor. My eyes searched for the Paediatric ward. Sure enough, it was located just two corridors and one staircase from where I was currently. Well, where my body was. I still wasn't sure how this worked.
I rushed into the room, my eyes already brimming with hot tears. I could barely contain myself from crying out. In fact, I didn't. I let out a loud sob. It contained only a small dose of the hurt I had endured this past couple of hours.
The pain, the guilt. Oh the guilt. The logical part of my mind knew this wasn't my fault. But the reckless part, the part who was staring at her fragile little brother on life support, she felt the weight of all of this.
I crumbled into a heap on the end of his bed. I kissed his cheeks and held his small hands in my own.
They were cold.
They were so cold.
His once flushed skin was now almost translucent looking. It look like the life had been drained out of him.
"I love you, I love y-you so much, d-don't worry ok-kay?" I managed to choke out to him between heavy breathed sobs. I stayed there for what seemed like days.
It got to the point where I couldnt handle it anymore. I couldn't handle seeing him so empty. He wasn't Teddy. He was broken and all I wanted for him was happiness.
Not this.
When I finally left his room, I pressed my back against the cold surface of glass doors. I could see though the small gap in the door. I could see my body, still there.
Still, well, almost dead.
I was about to walk and wander around more to find more information about Teddy's state when something different caught my eye.
A short, kind eyed woman, with curly hair tied neatly into a bun, and rich umber skin was standing beside my body. She touched my hair gently, moving it away from my eyes. I doubt it mattered much, as I was unconscious, but the fact someone was humane, and motherly almost, made me feel slightly better. It was a change to the orderly routine process I had seen so far.
"She's ready" The women spoke, her voice commanding but friendly. Despite her height, I could sense she was someone you didn't want to mess with. The tall blonde haired male doctor and the brunette woman nodded their heads and followed her orders.
They first began moving my body, unhooking some of the wires and placing me on a wheeled stretcher. I wanted to ask what was happening. I wanted to scream and kick and shout and beg on my hands and knees for my family back. My life back.
I wanted my mom. My dad. My brother. I wanted me, back.
I stare down at myself. Or what ever I am now. I'm still wearing the clothes I was this morning. The same white tights, the same thick knotted cardigan. The same pale pink dress with the same dark navy shoes. Nothing has changed.
Yet everything has. I am alone. I am so alone.