If I Stay

06/08/17 - 11.03am

Trying to figure out where you are in a hospital is kinda like trying to find nemo - its really hard.
Each floor has a different floor connected to it and one connected to that one.
It's like trying to find my way through a maze but somewhere in the maze is my injured family all alone.
Normally I'm the one who holds it together for the sake of others.
I don't want anyone to see how broken or upset I am because I tend to find if you're 'okay' then the people around you will be 'okay' too.
But as I walk through these hospitals floors, checking every occupied room, I'm starting to find myself feeling hopeless.
Every person that I see lying in a bed in pain or crying for their family or begging the doctor to just kill them because it hurts too bad and every person I see being rushed through in a stretcher is taking a little bit of hope out of me and I can't help but start thinking what it my family don't have beds, what if they didn't make it and that's why they arnt hooked up to all these machines.
What if the reason i can't find them is because they have been moved to the deceased unit?
I mean is there a deceased unit?
"Excuse me can you tell me if there is a deceased unit or if a Mr or Mrs Martin have passed thre-"
Oh Yeah, no one can hear me.

"Lydia!"
Wait mum?
That's my mum's voice, she can hear me ?!
"Where's my Lydia? Someone please bring me my daughter"
That's my mum! She's alive ! Where is she?
I'm running through the ward like a crazy cheetah.
I'm checking all the rooms twice and then sprinting to the next.
And thats when I see it.
My mum's room.
She looks so sick.
So pale and weak.
Her gorgeous mousy brown hair is covering the pillow she's laying on, all matted and messy.
And her clothes that i helped pick out for her this morning have been cut in half to make room for all the wires that have been implanted into her stomach and arms.
Her hands which are usually so soft and gentle are shaking violently in the air as she screams my name.
It's almost as if I'm seeing her in slow motion because I'm noticing every tiny detail or her and time doesn't seem to be passing at all.
She always smiles. No matter what. She smiles.
But now shes crying.
I see her tears roll down her bloody and bruised face and all I want to do is just wipe them and tell her that I'm here. That it'll be okay.
But shes still shaking. And shes still crying.
And shes still calling my name.
All the beeping and the nurses and doctors talking over one another and mum's screams are almost unbearable.
Then it stops.
Her screaming stops.
And everyone stops moving for a couple seconds.
Almost in unison they look at mum for 2 seconds then look at her machine for 2 seconds then they all start going manic.
Screaming out things like " I need 20 cc's stat" and then "she needs oxycodon" and then the nurse says "shes gone into cardiac arrest" and then one of them says to get the machine.
Its when they start charging it and when my mum's body jults in the air that I realise what's going on.
Her heart has stopped.
I run to my mum's bed and scream for her to wake up.
PLEASE MUM YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME!
PLEASE COME BACK!
I'M HERE MUM!
I'M RIGHT HERE!
They charge it too 150 then 200 then 250 but the long beep just continues.
Then they stop.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CHARGE IT TO 300!
KEEP GOING PLEASE ITS MY MUM!

"Okay, I'm calling it.
Time of death 11.03 am"

My voice is raw but I can't stop screaming for them to keep going.
I crawl onto my mum's bed and hug her and cry.
I wipe her hair from her face and kiss her forehead and plead for her to come back.
I beg for her not to leave me.
I beg for her not to leave us.
But nothing works.
She's gone.
My mum's gone. And she went screaming my name.
No one answered her question.
No one told her where I was.
I was right there.
I was next to her.
And she still died feeling alone.
She died wondering wether I was dead.
She died crying.
I wipe the tears from her face and wipe away some of the blood and the blackness from the smoke.
She looks so at peace.
She's so beautiful.
I just wish she could still share her beauty with the world.
I don't understand how this all happened. A couple hours ago we were so happy. And now my mum's gone.
I just wish I was with her.