Then You Are Gone

INSPIRATION

I think this is the right time to share the inspiration behind this story. You can skip this, if you want. Anyway, for those who care, it was 2016, one of the loneliest years of my life. The friends I had that time were not the kind of friends you'd want. Perhaps I was just ungrateful. Perhaps I was an asshole. Perhaps I just never really opened myself to them. Well, I had a good reason not to. They didn't know when to shut their mouth, they didn't know their words were starting to hurt someone. I always felt inferior around them, no one lets me talk. I was only part of the circle because I let them copy their homework and help them understand some lectures. I had never been contented with them. I'd always compare them to my old best friend, Ian. He was a great kid. He stuck with me even though I was selfish, brutal, bitter, hot & cold, easily angered, bitter. We ended up in bad terms and I sort of like bullied him for two years. I never apologized for what I have done. After two years, I moved away from my hometown. It was only then that I was swept with guilt. He was really nice, I realized. When I moved away, he even messaged me on Facebook, asked me where I am going to study high school. Perhaps we could go to the same high school? I sadly told him I was living miles away from him.

For years, I wanted to apologize. He seemed over it already, so I didn't know how. It would be awkward to bring it up again. He was moving on with his life. I should, too, right? I never forgave myself and tried to be nicer to the new people around me. That was my way of sorry. I hoped it would be enough. Then, it's 2016, and I had this dream of Ian and I, texting each other. I asked for forgiveness in the text. He accepted it.

I think it was the night I learned how to forgive myself. That year, I sent him a message during his birthday. And we caught up with each other's lives. And I felt light the entire time we were talking. Of course, that didn't fix everything. I was still lonely as ever. I wanted nothing but to meet another that would treat me like Ian did.

Then I decided to write this story. I wanted to write about my longing to meet another person like Ian, and fictionalize it.

Then, two years later, I got into college, and I met a bunch of Ians. They get me. They understand me. They accept me. They are everything one would ask for.