Then You Are Gone

t h i r t e e n

DECEMBER 21, 2016

8: 03 PM

you know, i meant to flake on your mom's invite to your house. i'm glad i didn't. it's been a while since i've been genuinely happy. i haven't had a proper conversation with anyone since the day of your accident. i've almost forgotten how it felt like. i feel so many things right now, it's crazy. can I just spill all my thoughts here?

of course, i can. silly me.

8: 13 PM

i haven't been inside your house for like, eight years. to be back inside, it felt like coming home. It felt comforting to be back, even though it looked different. not only because the furniture had been moved to a new position, but i don't know, it just felt different. the house used to give me a warm feeling, now it felt like no one has lived there for years. has it always been like that? or just after the accident?

your mom let me wander around while she cooked dinner. i know this sounds creepy as hell, but i went to your room. i didn't touch anything there, don't worry.

okay i lied. i totally did. just the drawer, though.

you kept my old nintendo ds, huh? i hope it kept you company during the years i wasn't there for you, especially during the split.

during the dinner, your mom reminisced with me about the good old days. how she missed cooking with my mom, and she asked about her, then my dad. i told her mom is no longer alive. it got a little depressing from there. she told me about the divorce. she even shared her struggle with substances, told me that you and her got into a fight the night your accident occurred. she blames herself for what happened.

8: 48 PM

in retrospect, i wish I didn't tell you my real identity that night. you didn't need my confession. you probably needed the joker paris, not ian. you needed a helping hand, but i punched you instead.

i wish we grew up together. perhaps, in an alternative universe, we did. there, ian and hannah did not experience this. there, ian and hannah are friends and never stopped being friends. there, we're probably not fucked up.

your mom, she seems to have changed. not totally, of course. she was drinking beer during the dinner, but she's getting there. she looks determined to be your mother again once you wake up.

you're lucky.

12: 32 PM

i wonder what it would take for my father to change. would he change like your mom if i get into an accident?

1: 22 PM

your mom asked me earlier if life is treating me alright. i wish i answered her truthfully.