[ H A M I L S Q U A D ]

B L A D E S

prompts : hey saw you were taking requests. would you ever write something mental health related? if you would, could you possibly write a hamilsquad x reader where the reader has depression/ self harms? thanks in advance! xx

hey! could i request a (fem) reader x hamilsquad thing where the reader self harms (+self hatred/ depression) and the squad help her through it? (if you're comfortable with that sort of thing?) thanks! xox

notes: i am perfectly fine writing stuff like this, but it may take a little longer because it's a very sensitive topic!! i can do it, i just need to take my time writing it and make sure i don't rush a fic like this, i think it could help a lot of people realise how much they are cared for.

wordcount : 1,317

warning(s): mental illness, depression, starvation, self-harm, self-hatred, cussing, lots of crying, angst, polyamory

it was times like this when you felt most alone – the house silent while the boys slept and your heart pounded against your rib cage and your thoughts racing through your head. the bathroom was freezing, but you didn't care. it wasn't even sadness anymore, at least then you could feel something – now you were... numb. there were no more crippling pains in your chest, no more burning throats from needing to scream, nothing.

"eleven." you muttered, raking the blade across the skin of your thigh once again. there was blood everywhere, but that wasn't your main concern right now. you just needed to feel something – and that something was the thick, warm, red liquid dripping from your inner thigh, down your leg and onto the floor. tears streamed down your face, but not from the pain – you weren't entirely sure why.

it took a good hour or so, but you finally managed to lift yourself from the toilet seat, with the help of the heated towel wrack that burnt your hands when you held onto it for too long, but again, you refused to pull your hands away until they were red and sensitive – the stinging sensation still not as bad as the burning cuts that decorated your thighs.

how long had it been since your last meal? days? you coudn't even remember. though, john seemed to catch on quickly to what you were doing.

"[y/n], you have to eat something. please?" he said in the softest tone possible, pushing an apple towards you. he had been nagging at you all day, each time you had said you were too busy or that you weren't hungry – in fact, you were hungry. you were starving, but john wasn't helping you by shoving food in your face.

"i don't want to fucking eat!" you yelled at him, picking the apple up and throwing it across the room. it had almost hit alex's head as he lifted it from his laptop to see what all the commotion was about. both boys looked completely shocked at your outburst. you felt... stupid. tears pricked your eyes at they both stared at you like you were a stranger – it was too much, you ran out of the room and locked yourself in the bathroom. each one of the boys had done their fair share of trying to get you out of there, giving you words of encouragement. however, the voices in your head screeched that eventually they would leave you just like everybody else. they put on a convincing act, though.

now... you felt kind of bad for the way you had yelled at john. if he didn't care, would he try so hard? you seriously doubted it.

sighing, you cleaned the blood from the floor and used up the last of the bandages on your thighs. you were sure that everything was clean; you hid the blade and you crept across the hall into john's room. he looked like he was sleeping, so without another word you simply slid beneath the warm, comforting covers of his bed and snuggled into his chest. his deep hazel eyes flickered open when he felt the bed move under your weight, a smile crossing his lips almost immediately.

"hey, babygirl." he yawned, rubbing his eyes and kissing your forehead.

"hi..." you whispered back, not really in the mood to talk but you weren't going to ignore one of the sweetest boyfriends you could have asked for. "i'm sorry for yelling earlier, you were only trying to help..." you added, tears pricking your eyes once again.

"why am i such a fucking cry baby!?" you thought to yourself. john thought otherwise.

"hey, it's okay. i was just worried about you – i should have minded my own busi- hey, are you crying sweetie?" laurens asked, raising a hand to your cheek and using his thumb to wipe away a tear that fell down your face. "don't cry! it's okay, i'm fine, i'm not angry at you. i swear." he mumbled, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you closer. john's leg was resting on yours and pressing into the new cuts, making you cry out in pain. he immediately pulled back and let his eyes widen when he saw you holding your leg in pain.

"princess?" he mumbled, flicking the light on. the rest of the boys groaned in annoyance at the sudden light, but they cheered up when they saw you had finally come out of the bathroom.

"[y/n]!" they all cried, rushing over. hercules was about to throw his arms around you, but john put his arms out protectively.

"wait, wait! she's hurt!" he warned, making you panic a little. oh no, oh god, did they know? would they see? what would they think? more tears spilled down your face, lafayette sat on the bed beside you.

"hey, mon amour, please don't cry. john's just gonna take a small look at you and see what's wrong!" he tried to calm, a hand soothingly rubbing at your back. you only cried harder out of shame and embarrassment.

john carefully unwrapped the bandages, looking horrified when he saw cut upon cut.

"oh my god..." alex mumbled.

"im disgusting, don't look!" you sobbed harder into lafayette, trying to pull your legs away. hercules sat on the other side of you, slipping his arm around your waist.

"hey, kitten, you're not disgusting..."

"youre beautiful! john chimed in.

"oui." smiled lafayette.

"[y/n]... why...?" alex asked, his eyes brimming with tears. "we love you so much..." he whispered.

"i... i always feel like a burden. i never feel good enough, i wake up every morning wishing i hadn't woken up – i wish i could sleep forever, taking care of myself has become a pain and its getting to the point where i can't feel anything at all..." your words were rushed and you had to pause occasionally to take a deep inhale of air or let out a sob.

"hey, mon chaton, you're nowhere near a burden! we love having you!"

"we're always here for you. in our eyes, you're a diamond that can't be replaced. you're everything we want and more – okay?" john pecked your nose.

"you don't have to cut, we're always here for you. there are alternatives to cutting, okay? no more starving yourself either. if you want to lose weight then ill cook you some healthy low-calorie meals! we'll start small, okay?" hercules pulled you onto his lap.

"if you want to go into therapy or you want professional help, we can look into that. however, if you want this to stay between us then that's fine... but please, no more cutting. we'll work on healing these up and then if you want to act further, we can talk about it together. im always here for you, okay [y/n]? i promise we all love you..."

"i love you." they all muttered in unison, you were so lucky to have them...