{McPriceley} (Finished)

Failure

(Connor's POV)

"Excuse me," I felt a light tap on my shoulder, "Elder McKinley?"

I turned around to see Elder Michaels standing behind me, "Just Connor is fine."

"Right, sorry.. Connor. Um I was just wondering what exactly we're supposed to do here for the next year."

"What do you mean?"

"Well we've already converted all of the villagers here except the the general and his people, we've played every board game here a hundred times, watched every movie, taught every lesson from The Book of Mormon and The Book of Arnold.. I just don't know what we're supposed to do for the next year."

I shuddered at the memory of the general. We had yet to run into him again but going into the village still makes be a bit anxious.

"Oh, well I haven't really thought much about that. I'm not really sure to be completely honest," I felt a bit guilty for giving the Elders nothing to do. I want to be a great district leader even if this district is technically shut down, "Maybe we can all have a meeting tomorrow and come up with some ideas," I suggested.

Elder Michaels nodded, "Yeah, that sounds great. Thanks Elder- Connor."

"No problem," My smile faded as soon as Elder Michaels walked away.

I have absolutely no idea what we're going to do. I trained to be the district leader so I could help all of the missionaries teach, and plan schedules and baptisms and things like that. I wasn't trained for anything that had happened since Kevin and Arnold showed up. I wasn't at all prepared to deal with Arnold's compulsive lying and I definitely wasn't expecting to be excommunicated.

Technically I'm only suspended from the church but I think once they find out about the whole 'me having a boyfriend' thing, I'll be excommunicated for sure. It's a well known stereotype that Mormons are all really nice and polite to everyone but that doesn't make the church any more accepting or open-minded. My religion means a lot to me but I only wish I could be myself without having to fear being sent to hell.

* * *

"What's wrong?" Kevin asked.

"Nothing, I'm fine."

"You're a terrible liar. I know when you say I'm fine you mean the complete opposite. Plus it's almost ten o'clock at night and you're chugging a coffee."

"You know me too well," I sighed, "I hate it when you're right."

"I know," Kevin took my coffee that I was trying to chug and set it on my nightstand, "Now what's wrong?"

"Why are we still here? What are we all going to do for the next year? Elder Michaels brought it up and now I can't stop thinking about how I let everyone down. I'm a complete failure! I failed as the district leader, I failed as a missionary, I failed as a Mormon, and I'm failing as a boyfriend by forcing you to listen to my complaining!" My speech increased in speed and volume as I spoke, "I'm sorry," I muttered, "I didn't mean to yell."

Kevin wrapped his arms around me pulling me closer to him, "Connor, you are not a failure. You've worked harder than anyone else here. I couldn't ask for a better district leader or a better boyfriend. Con, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"You're just saying that because you have to."

"No, I'm saying it because it's true. You shouldn't be so down on yourself because you have nothing to be upset about," Kevin insisted, "You didn't fail anyone."

"But I did. I failed my parents, I failed the church, I failed you, I failed everyone here!"

"Connor, listen to me, you didn't do anything wrong. You've done nothing to make anyone upset. And even if you did, your parents still love you, I still love you, and all of your friends still love you."

My heart fluttered a bit at the words I still love you but it quickly faded, "Maybe I have other people that care about me but my parents are certainly not those people."

"Con, they're your parents, they love you no matter what."

I felt myself getting angry, an emotion I didn't often feel, "Yeah that's what you'd think right? If my parents cared about me they would have supported me when I told them I was having feelings for my best friend. If my parents cared about me they wouldn't have told me to turn off my emotions! If they cared about me in any way they would not have sent me to a conversion camp, Kevin!" I felt tears pooling in my eyes and my vision blurred slightly.

I buried by face in my hands trying to hide by tears but Kevin only pulled me closer to him, "I'm sorry," I managed to mutter, while trying desperately to hold back tears.

"You don't have anything to apologize for. I'm sorry for bringing up your parents, I had no idea," Kevin's voice was quiet but not uncertain, "I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I can't even imagine what that must have been like," Kevin paused a bit between sentences, "Do you want to talk about it?" He asked hesitantly, being cautious to not make me more upset than I already was.

I flung my arms around Kevin and buried my face in his chest. I'm so used to turning off my feelings that it's all just built up inside. I haven't even thought about my past since I started training to be a missionary. I never wanted to visit those memories again. Turning off my feelings was so much easier than this.