book twenty

the day i truly fell in love with you

the day that you told me

that you wanted to kill yourself,

that you wanted to cut but your mom had caught you,

was the day, i believe,

that i truly fell in love with you.

you terrified me.

every word you spoke was terrifying.

and i fucking hate myself

because i didn't say anything,

i just nodded along

like the fucking dumbass i am.

but now, 

i'm thinking about that day,

behind the portables,

hiding from our friends

and sitting on those tires that had been there all year.

the day i truly fell in love with you.

i know it's true because i learned so much about you in those few minutes.

you are fucking strong.

so fucking strong,

it's amazing.

you seem like the most confident girl.

funny, pretty, and you know how to laugh at yourself.

and when you said those shitty things,

you immediately became so much more fascinating.

i'm not romanticizing self harm.

or suicide.

or depression.

or any of that shit.

i'm talking about how you are so

just amazing.

you're so willing to be yourself.

and you're so brave and strong and it blows my fucking mind.

and i just wanna kiss you and hold your hand and give you hugs.

i want us to do awkward teenage couple things.

and i want to fucking be there for you.

because i will never ever fucking say it.

ever.

and i hate that about myself,

i can't communicate emotion.

but you need to know,

that you are fucking loved.

because i love you.

me.

i love you.