Sad stories

Four

I guess Ive always been stronger than my younger sister. She was always such a responsible, obedient one. I was always the classic rebellious one. But what most didnt realize was that I did care about those that my actions affected. I just chose not to let my emotions show.

Now 25, its still a practice I follow. I dont let people close to me, either physically or emotionally. Its difficult to put trust in someone, I doubt everything thats said to me and I have perfected the art of smiling. My counselor tells me that a smile can make you feel good. Even if you dont do it to feel good. In a way she is right. I dont feel good in myself, but when I see that others are more relaxed around me I feel more content. I dont withdraw from physical touch as much anymore. I know that Im not going to get hurt through a hug now. A big accomplishment. Before going to see my counselor I used to lock myself away in my room. Parties with strangers were my greatest fear. God the thought of having to mingle was terrifying. If I did go most of the time I would spend the predressing stages praying that someone I know would be there, and if so I would cling to them like water to a sponge all night. But most of the time I either spent my time with someone close to me, or spent it alone.

My biggest issue is my self injuring. Slowly it progressed to more and more dangerous levels. I have no problem with physical pain. I guess thats what some would call a blessing if youre a self injurer. But emotional pain cripples me. Because I dont express myself, I tend to really let what bothers me hurt me within. And I think sometimes that causes more damage than what would happen if I was to let my emotions get the better of me so to speak. Ive always had this fear.

When I was 16 I was assaulted by a male which left me afraid of physical touch. But not only that, it made me realize how vulnerable as a person I really was. Towards the beginning of this year I was betrayed by someone really close to me and a lot of personal information that I shared with her was thrust into the hands of, well strangers to me. And for a person with trust issues already, it makes it hard to think you can trust again.

In turn it made me see my counselor for the first time. She was good with it. Although with my trust issues I felt judgment before I even told her. But I realize now that it was my own thoughts forcing that judgment onto me. She has slowly helped change my way of thinking. She knows that I cant fly, and she doesnt expect it. And each day is a new day. No suppressing the past until I wake the next morning to deal with it again. I still self injure. But not as often. Of course I cant give it up like that. This is the way I deal with my emotions, this is the only way I know how to keep going. But its ok. Because I know now that I have to work on finding those other, safer ways. And were doing that. I have even started trusting a few people. When someone suggested that dreaded word therapy to me a while back, I would have thought their opinion of me was Im a fruitloop. I never would have thoughts its because they cared, or they were worriedMy self hate would have kicked in and i would have become the defensive person I was well known for.

I dont think someone can force you to seek help if you dont want to stop. And as hard and confusing as this disorder is, its a comfort, it (as crazy as it sounds) is a way to stop the pain. And some people dont want to give it up. They are afraid of what will happen if they try to stop and handle all the problems that they face. I definitely think you have to want deal with what is going on in your life, what it is that pushes you to cut. You have to want to stop.

I dont cut as often. My counselor suggested that I start a journal to get out what is going on inside. I now have two journals! One online and one in a book that I treasure so much. Sometimes when things seem to big and hopeless its good to get it out on paper (or screen) and it really does put it into perspective, and you can see that its not as large as you first thought. I have met people online that I talk to when urges to cut consume me and they help to talk me through them, or remind me why I first said I wanted to stop.