The Show Must Go On

*Charles Song*

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Don't fall in love with a mermaid

That's a match destined for doom

The brine will destroy your complexion

And the bedchamber plunge you in gloom

If she shows an interest in mating

Take this as your signal to bail

She expects you to seed her eggs after they're laid,

and you'll never get tail from her tail.

Don't fall in love with a centaur

You'll stray too far from the course

Remember your amorous moments

Will involve the rear end of a horse

Though you might think riding bareback

would give you a heck of a thrill

Don't think she won't throw you for some Palomino

Because I've been there, and she will.

Don't fall in love with a fairy

You'll be her pick-of-the-week

Fairies have no staying power

They only live for mystique

I must admit that I marvelled

As she spread those miraculous wings

But I was deflated when she yawned and stated

That all guys had "one of those things".

Don't fall in love with a naiad

There's a prescription for woe

It won't get through her cerebrum

That you can't live down below

She makes it look so darned easy

Breathing the water like air

But never go down, or I promise you'll drown,

and she isn't likely to care.

Don't fall in love with a siren

You'll soon grow bored with her song

Once she has snared you she'll keep you,

singing to string you along

There's one way I've found to escape her

So if you are ready to drop

Just say her high C seems a little off-key,

and in mortification she'll stop.

Don't fall in love with a succubus

It may be tough to avoid

She has you at this disadvantage:

Asleep, you're not eas'ly annoyed

But the daily division of housework

Will prove that you're under duress:

When it gets light and you've partied all night,

Look who gets stuck with the mess.

Don't fall in love with an amazon

It's not a safe thing to do

She'll go off fighting in battles,

She'll expect you to come too.

You won't want her feeling lonely,

Especially when she's in bed,

But she is a warrior and you are just you

So she'll survive and you'll be dead.

Don't fall in love with a harpy

Winsome though she, um, might be

Creatures with avian bodies

Don't match the human ésprit

She'll favor acts aerobatic

If you are proposing to ball

And when there's a pause she will clutch with her claws,

but if you are lucky you'll fall.

Don't fall in love with a gorgon

It might seem unlikely to you

But many a man's lost his marbles

And done things that I wouldn't do

I'd rather not go into details

And trust me, you don't want to know

But if you have dread of those snakes on her head

You'd better not look down below

Don't fall in love with a goddess

She'll never approve of your hair

And sometimes when you're in communion

She'll act as if you aren't there

Her job as a deity's stressful

She won't have attention for you

And if your best stuff is just not good enough

She'll dump you and make someone new.

Now if you'd be smitten by Eros

And Venus and Agapé too

If you want a gentle companion

A woman who's worthy to woo

If you want a match that's successful

And likely to stay on the track

I'd like to suggest that the kind that works best

Is a human who fancies you back.

Yes, you cannot go wrong with advice from this song

And a human who fancies you back.

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The actual song name is:

Don't Fall in Love with a Mermaid

Words and music copyright ©2000 by Blake Hodgetts