They Call Me Blades (Harry Styles)

Chapter 3

"Were all addicted to something that takes away the pain." -Me, You, and My Medication By: Boys Like Girls

The once quiet and peaceful bus is now a cacophony of laughter and yelling following the big win. Someone brought a speaker to play music and it's a big sing along.

Music is one of my absolute favorite things in the world. Even though it brings back memories I care not to think of, I can't just stop. For a long time I tried to just give it up, but when Lily and Griff came along I found a reason to sing again. Lilly is prone to nightmares so I sing her to sleep on a regular basis.

"Ellis, take the next song," I hear James say from the back of the bus. I turn around and see him with the speaker in his lap, blasting some rap song.

"I don't know this kind of stuff!" I respond with a small laugh. When the boys come in to my office, I always have music on and I am always singing along, but I never listen to whatever this is.

"Well, what's that song you always sing to us?"

I laugh again, knowing exactly what they're thinking of.

"She Will Be Loved, by Maroon 5," I say and in no time, my favorite song starts playing through the bus.

Beauty Queen of only eighteen, she had some trouble with herself.

I start singing and I feel slightly embarrassed at everyone looking at me but I keep going.

He was always there to help her, she always belonged to someone else.

I drove for miles and miles and wound up at your door.

I've had you so many times, but somehow I want more.

I don't mind spending everyday, out on your corner in the pouring rain.

Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile.

And she will be loved, and she will be loved.

I don't even relize that the speakers have been shut off, and the bus is eerily silent except for my singing. I finish the verse and my cheeks heat at the discovery that everyone is staring at me. I feel a pang of worry that they will burst into laughter, but they just sit there with their mouths hanging open.

"Why haven't you ever done the talent show? You could totally win the damn thing!" Louis speaks up from a few seats away.

Because aside from the soccer team, everyone hates me. Literally hates me, and I if tried to go up on stage they would never let me live it down.

"It's n-not really my thing," I manage to say. I need to get this stuttering thing under control, it's such a  nuisance, especially when I'm already the laughing stock of the whole school.

Maybe if I was in a different place, as a different person I would be able to go in front of my peers and sing my heart out. But that's not the case and it never will be.

By the time I get home from the game, Lilly and Griff are already asleep. I say a rushed hello to Kay and Tom without even pretending that I'm going to eat something as I walk to my room. Since I was hospitalized last summer for not eating, Kay has watched my food intake like a hawk. Tonight I just tell her I don't feel well and she hesitantly let's me go.

I close my door softly, locking it and plop down on my bed. Today wasn't actually that bad. I mean, most of it was with the soccer team so that's probably why. I was there to see them win a vital game, them winning always makes me happy because they deserve it. Then, I sang to them on the bus and I was told I should try out for the talent show. Porter always told me I could sing, but I try to keep thoughts of anything to do with her out of my mind. It's to hard to think about her yet her memory creeps up on me. Mostly at night, while I'm sitting in our room - my room - they haunt me until the next day when I'm too busy getting tormented at school to think about them. This vicious cycle has been going on for a long time now and I try to stop it every time. I try to think about something else, something other than Porter. Lilly and Griff. The way Lilly cuddles to my chest when she's sick. When Griff blows me kisses when he leaves for school. Lilly and Griff. I close my eyes and try to concentrate on thinking about the only glimmer of happiness in my life. Lilly and Griff.