"What the hell were you thinking, going out on your own like that?"
"Where the hell were you!?"
"We thought you had been killed!"
"You are so grounded, young man."
How many times can you ground an eighteen-year-old before it gets old? My infuriated grandparents take turns slandering me, dehumanizing me almost, for giving their hearts unrest. They don't even give me a chance to defend myself before I'm sent off to my bedroom. They've never been this pissed. I've never done anything wrong to anger them. I'm not usually a delinquent. I like to believe I'm a decent human being; my grades are great, and I'm smart, at least I think so. I've got a good thing going, and I just blew it. Nana hates yelling at me. She even apologizes to me later, but Grandpa won't speak to me. I convince Nana to allow me use of the landline telephone in the living room, as long as she can sit in. I phone Daniel, and he answers. As I'm about to pour my heart out about last night, I remember Nana's here, and I twist her mind into letting me invite Daniel over for an hour. Before he arrives, I shower up, wash my matted, wretched, needs-to-be-cut-soon hair, and stare at myself in the mirror. I gently touch my lips with my fingertips, the area that was blessed this morning by Snake. I know I can't tell George "Lady's Man" Daniel that his best friend's in love with a man. He's not homophobic or anything like that, it'd just be strange, so I assume. I've seen movies where this has happened, and it usually ends poorly. I pull on the jumper from last night, and realize it smells like Snake's smoky cologne, and hurry downstairs, just as Daniel gets here. I apologize to him for the things I said about his mum, he forgives me, and apologizes for abandoning me, he's forgiven, and we even shake hands. We hurry upstairs, and I tell him about Snake, and Zach and Redhead, and I tell him about Brendon's funny face, and he laughs at my arse joke. I wonder if Brendon would have killed me if I told him the joke. Probably.
"Damn, Healy. Your eyes!" Daniel slaps his knee, lowering himself to get a better look at what he found hilarious. "That's genuine lust, dude! Who is she?" I push him away, uncomfortable with this new topic, and the invasive maneuver of him peering into my eyes like he did. "There's no girl." I say, my hands beginning to shake anxiously. "And what the hell is that smell?" Daniel sniffs my jumper, and I squirm in discomfort. He continues to humiliate me about my smell and my eyes, things I don't understand or know what he's talking about. I'd ask, but I don't want to give him reason to believe I'm hiding something, when I seriously have no clue what he's getting at. I didn't see anything in my eyes earlier, and I don't think I smell bad. Unless he's talking about... "What the hell are you talking about, I smell weird?" I snarl, shoving him defensively. Daniel raises his hands in surrender. "Woah, dude. Relax. I never said you smell weird. Just thought I smelled a girl on you."
I start to get furious again, not exactly knowing why. He's making me anxious, angry, and frustrated. "Get out." I demand, my fists clenched. The moment I hear the front door slam, I storm out to the bathroom and look at my eyes, searching desperately for this "lust" he saw. I end up smashing the mirror and collapsing to the floor in heavy sobs, my knuckles bleeding once again. I miss Snake. The thought of never seeing him again makes me ache. The thought of having to go back to school on Monday hurts even worse.
Sunday night, I climb out onto my roof with my cigarettes. I light one in between my lips, and listen to the night sounds. My mind goes back to how alive I felt on Friday night, the one thing I want to forget the most. I want to forget my name, and Snake's name, which I forgot the second I was told, and I want to forget Zach and his stupid girlfriend and the ugly, smug guy too. I want to forget the fight with Daniel, my best and only friend. I want to forget the building and the running and the yelling and most of all, I want to bleach my lips and forget kissing Snake. I glare across the street to the very spot we were standing. Stupid me, stupid Matthew. Why did I think that was something I should do? Why didn't I just push him away? Why did I have to agree to go with him? I should've just gone home. There's a lot of shit I should've done, and for everyone on that list, there's one on the things I shouldn't have. At the top of that list? I shouldn't have kissed Snake. But damn, I wish I could do it again, make myself seem less pathetic. Make it last longer. Maybe I should've asked if I could just run away with him forever, but I'm sure he'd say no anyway. He seemed to care about me, but again, I wonder how many other eighteen-year-old boys he picks up on their birthday for a special smoke night. As I puff out smoke, I try and picture what it looked like, kissing Snake on the street. Did it look as good as it does in the movies? Even with my hair all knotted and tangled, contrasting awfully perfect with Snake's gorgeous skin and his hair and his ink and his Everything. The way he smiled when I called him Snake, the way his hands felt around mine, and how sweet his lips felt as we kissed. God, don't even get me started on how lovely he smelled. It was wonderful. Everything about Snake is flawless, and I must know what other secrets are waiting to be uncovered beneath his shell. My cigarette runs out, and I become very disappointed. That was the last one in the package. The rest were soaked and destroyed in the rain on Friday. Maybe I should think about quitting. I think I'll give it a try. I don't want to get sick like mum did. That wasn't what killed her, but I have a feeling it was damn close.
