Stained wrists

Armani is the name sadness is the game

I haven't always felt like this but one day a title wave of emotions rolled over my happy little  body and then everything was down hill from there. But just because I'm depressed does not mean I'm always crying and moping around like some zombie on antidepressants. I feel the same way a normal person does I laugh when a cringey joke is told, I smile when someone compliments me. What it means to be depressed is when u are put down by someone or are just having a hard day and your brain tries to make it a hundred times harder for you to be happy. It tells you about all of your own flaws and mistakes over the years. You start to think about things that happened a long time ago and you say to yourself "should I have done something different"
"Should I have walked a different path"
"Should I have not talked to him or her".      You ridicule yourself telling yourself how stupid you are how ugly, fat you pretty much are your own bully you beat yourself till there's hardly anything to hold you together anymore; your heart is exhausted and you have no strength to even try to cheer up.  So you sit in despair waiting for the pain to stop but it never really leaves, it kind of just subsides it's self until your brain thinks you deserve another mental break down. People always ask me "how could you be depressed you have a better life than most?"; but depression doesn't depend on your family, friends, home situation, it really doesn't even have to do with bullying for some people it's bullying that pushes them over the edge but some are treated nicely by everyone and could still be miserable and sad inside. Depression could have many different variations and usually it has many different causes. In my case it's not a physical but a more mental cause. What I mean by that is, I have an ok life I have a big family that loves me, a place to sleep at night, food on the table. I have great friends and everything on the surface is good I should be happy, right. Well if you looked deeper and saw what I was fighting in my own head you wouldn't assume how I am supposed to feel. I have many reasons to be depressed 1. I have insane Anxiety 2. I hate myself inside and out 3. I get beaten and bullied at school 4. My parents fight nonstop 5. I have family issues that no one knows about 6. I just don't like living at the moment. I could tell you that god made me this way and he saw into my future and knew that I would have harder times than other people. I could tell you this is in his plan to make me love life more in the future; and yes maybe, just maybe some of those things are true and yes I believe in the holy spirt but I do not believe that he would cause me to be depressed on purpose because if god wanted me to have a new respect for life he wouldn't want me to attempt suicide every few months in a desperate attempt to free my self from this cruel world. I do believe that I was wired from the start by myself to come upon these miserable days of despair I don't understand why.... yet maybe to make me stronger or happier in the future but I do know that depression is a miserable waste land of tears and issues that are deep deep down in my soul.  Another question I get constantly is "I understand your really sad but why would you ruin your body by cutting and hurting yourself. "   Well obviously this goes along with the issues I have inside myself.  I can't tell you exactly why I do it but, how I feel is, this way I am in control of my pain I cause it before anyone else can. Before I cry myself to sleep I take a razor and slice into the my own skin not thinking about who will find out, not thinking about the scars it will leave.  All I think about while I'm causing myself pain is why, why do I deserve to hate myself enough to dig a blade into my own arm.  It always reminds me of your worst enemy if they have caused you any pain then you get pay back and give them a taste of their own medicine. In this case you are your own worst enemy and you have hurt yourself emotionally so you also hurt yourself physically.  When you are depressed you feel numb your pain isn't pain you don't even feel alive anymore so you hurt yourself so that you know your still alive, so you know your still human. When your numb, as numb as I am  you couldn't even tell if you were on a hospital bed dying inside because you've been dying inside for years upon years. You don't know the different kinds of pain anymore. The only thing reassuring you that your blood is still flowing is feeling your vane breaking and watching your own blood pour into the bathtub. So how to answer that question is...Control this way if I am causing the pain then, nothing else could hurt me the way I hurt myself and another reason would be to not feel nothing. In the end after you've done it as many times as I have it starts to become a routine. Like when your hungry you eat in this case when your numb you cut. It becomes and addiction like drugs or alcohol.  You try your hardest to stop but when u stop for to long you get withdrawal symptoms like  panic attacks, anxiety, more depression. So you relapse and the cycle starts over again.