Pending Progress

1. The ending where it all began

I feel my heart wince as it is being tugged harsher the more I think about her and what she has done. I feel my eyes burn with tears as I overthink while she is gone. Is her warmth being taken by another body when I am not there? Are her hours filled with someone else's attention while mine are filled with anxiety from waiting for her reply?

I keep telling myself that I don't have to worry but last time she went without me all day, I got a shot blown into my heart.

Then she replies and I feel like my heart is no longer sagging with loneliness since he now has taken it and twisted it to drain it out like a soaked paper towel. And that's my cue to get into the shower and soak my body while I sit on the floor and cry out the doubt I had and feel like I can't trust her anymore even though I know I love her.

I love her so deeply, I don't want to leave her. I think she knows he has control over me. I have these pockets of confidence when I am fully sure of myself and I strictly believe I don't need her but then I start to think of how it was when there was that short period of time when we weren't together. It was dull and I had no sense of direction because my plans had always included her.

Every time I inhale from the cigarette, I think of her. I think of how she has control over my body. Every stutter in my breath is because of her presence. I look at her with love and watch in awe. When she says my name or calls me baby, my whole body warms. When she places her hand on my thigh, my legs quiver and my pulse quickens.

I love her but sometimes it worries me how she has total control. 

"Do it. You have to. Look at you!" She forcefully yells through the phone. My flooded eyes meets up to my phone screen but it is all a blur. 

"What is gonna happen when I do it? Who will I be?"

"You will be free." She hangs up, leaving me to stare at the glaring conversation with her. 

I have all my reasons to burn the connection, to cut her off completely. The cheating, the lies, the total control. 

You know I love you right?