Feared

Forty-Seven: Honesty

An air of anticipation clung to the old farmhouse the following morning as they gathered for breakfast. Charlotte had hardly slept, the darkness of night giving way to the grey light of dawn before her eyelids had begun to droop. She now stood by the counter, clutching a steaming mug of coffee in her hands, watching the others as they gathered around the table. James entered the kitchen, his green eyes locking on hers. Her stomach knotted and she glanced down at her coffee to hide her blush. The smell of bacon filled the kitchen as Nancy busied herself at the stove and Ervin moved from one person to the next ensuring coffee was in plentiful supply.

"Can I talk to you?" James whispered. Charlotte glanced at him as he approached, his proximity unnerving. Her eyes swept over the others. Her friends seemed oblivious to her and James at that moment. A nervous energy had taken over them as they laughed and joked. "Alone..." he prompted.

"Sure," Charlotte nodded, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. James strode to the backdoor and held it open for her. Stepping outside, the yard was sun-drenched. Gold sunlight filtered through the remaining haze of morning fog. Charlotte squinted against the light. James walked past her, away from the kitchen windows, away from the view of the others. She followed him around to the side of the house and paused beside him in the shadow of a broad-leafed tree. Puddles of sunlight filtered through the leaves, scattered across the uneven ground. Charlotte stared at them, half-afraid to look at James. She could feel his gaze on her and a chill coursed through her as he ran his hands through his blonde hair, his green eyes clouding.

"I need to talk to you," he said. The words were serious, too-formal. They were an affirmation for him, rehearsed and cold. Her stomach knotted, not as it had when she had first seen him in the kitchen, but with an uneasy anxiety. Something wasn't right. She forced herself to meet his gaze. He exhaled. "I've asked Annakiya to wipe my memory after tonight..." he said, his gaze unwavering.

Charlotte stared at him. "I..." she frowned. "I don't understand..."

James sighed, the initial pressure and tension lifting from his body. "I don't want any of this anymore. I want a chance at a life where I'm not always playing catch up. I don't want to remember any of this".

"You mean you don't want to remember any of us," Charlotte said, wrapping her arms around her body as if to hold herself together from the blow of James' words.

James gazed at her. "Charlotte, I can't be who you want me to be. I am not the same person. Surely you see that?"

Charlotte stared at him. Breathing was becoming difficult. She could hear him, but the words made no sense. Her head swam. "James... who you were... it's... irrelevant. I... We love you... We have risked our lives for you, are still risking our lives for you... how can you turn your back on us? We're... family". Panic swamped her body. Her blood was pounding in her ears.

"I understand that this has been hard on everybody, but I can't keep pretending I'm happy here. Everyday feels like a struggle. It's a game I don't want to play. I know... it's going to be hard, but for all of us this is the better option – a clean start".

Charlotte swallowed. Why was her mouth so dry? She couldn't find the words she wanted, the words that would convince him he was making a mistake. "But once this is over..."

"Once this is over you can hardly expect me to hang around hoping that one day I'll..." He trailed off.

"That you'll remember that you loved me? That maybe you will love me again?" She could feel the sting of tears at the back of her eyes, feel grief rising in her throat. He just stared at her blankly, as if she was a foolish girl harbouring a silly crush. "I've been such an idiot," she whispered.