Depression: It Speaks to Me

New Boyfriend, New Problems

This story is about a current boyfriend, he's amazing, but like in every relationship there's some problems...

let's start with this, i love him, i love him so much, but there has been a lot of stuff that's happened in our relationship (as like every relationship)

let's go back to the beginning. we were okay, we were your average normal couple, except by normal, i mean awkward. but even then we were still happy, but the problems were also very early in the beginning of our relationship, he was already seeing me at my worst. i was depressed as fuck, worse than i was now. I was always saying i was worthless and always had to have him talk to me, i felt like a burden. Im so annoying, why would he want me around, he'll leave me eventually... thats all i could think every second of every day because after all of my relationships i just couldn't believe that this one would last either, i always fucked it up somehow, i always hurt them somehow. Back then you could call me a hoe, i didn't sleep around but i dated around so i still counted that, most of my relationships its like i got bored, there was never anything happening in the relationship. When it wasn't working out I'd break up with them and go for someone else who actually liked me, id always tell my friends when i got a new bf and they'd be happy for me but then i realize that that might be annoying. All of my relationships they never lasted, even when i tried so hard to keep it alive. Then I'd be coming back to my friends like i broke up with them or they broke up with me. And as fast as i "moved on" i always went through heartbreak because i fall in love so easily.

And he was one of those guys who i fell in love with so quickly. He told me he fell i love with me first. I was so happy. Something he didn't know was that i fell in love with him first, even though he told me first. Ever since we started talking i developed feelings for him and instantly fell in love, he's so cute and sweet and has an amazing personality and always knew how to make me laugh. I could call him really late at night crying and sad and he'd always find a way to make me laugh and smile. Id feel better without even noticing. He made me so happy, and still to this day makes me so happy.

I had told him of my past, the relationships, my problems, my old habits. It all almost ruined it a few times, like i told him about all my past relationships and about a relationship that i was still in before i said yes to dating him, i know what you're thinking, "what happened in that relationship and why'd you leave him for the other?" Well that relationship wasn't anything much other than sending hearts everyday, i don't know why i was ever with this guy, i guess because he told me he liked me i just thought hey lets try to date and get to know each other more. The problem was we didnt know anything about each other, it was long distance and he has a bad history with me and my best friend. He bullied her, but he came back a while later and forgot he ever did and apologized and said he changed. Im nice, i forgave him right away that was before we were together. I had hesitated getting with him because of how he treated my friend, i even defended her and said mean stuff to him to get back at him. But why'd i date him? I dont know i guess i just wanted to try it out and see how it went and he was sweet but then everytime we'd try to get to know each other its like we were always stumped on what to say, we were both awkward and stuff and it was pretty bad to be honest. Thats why we just sent hearts back and fourth, let me remind you again this was long distance. But i believed that if theres a chance to date someone in real life and not on a screen why pass the opportunity to really be happy. So i had to break up with him i didn't feel that bad, i told him we could still be friends, he seemed sad but after a little bit he got a girlfriend and i was happy for him.

My boyfriend absolutely hated all of my ex's for everything they did to me, i was blind to it all, but he saw it. Im pretty sure this is what he said after i told him about all my relationships "how could they treat someone so nice like that" it made me smile but also made me want to cry because i don't know why they treated me like that, i didn't know what i did to deserve it but i always got blamed.

I don't know what it is with me, i always ask myself why I've been in so much relationships and why they always end so badly.. but i have come to a realization that maybe i just cant be single. Its like every time I'm single i just feel so alone and sad like i need someone to make me happy, which also makes me a huge hypocrite because id always tell my friends they don't need someone to be happy. But i guess thats just another problem i have. I have never been single for long amounts of time, sometimes id want to just be single but then people start to catch feelings and then i couldn't help myself and i mostly think it was because i was so nice that i couldn't just say no to those people, i wanted to make them happy, i wanted to be happy too so id try it out.

I don't know the reason to why they end so badly except for that i rush too much with relationships sometimes, i don't give it time, and sometimes the other wouldn't give it time either it always made it difficult. Or id ruin it by hurting them in some way, i never mean to hurt people it just happens and sometimes it happens when i don't even notice it until they bring it up to me then i feel like a complete jackass.

People always mistake my kindness for feelings.

Just because I'm nice to you and treat you right and am a decent human being doesn't mean i have feelings but i love being friends with people until they mistake my niceness for feelings, because then it gets awkward. I love everyone but they always think its in a way that its not, if that makes sense.

But lets not get too off topic, ill talk about that later.

Lets talk about the time i almost ruined my relationship with my problems. Okay so my boyfriend is so understanding, just the best. But he has his own problems and would sometimes freak out over something that id tell him about my past that could possibly happen again. And has his own outlook on relationships even though I'm his first girlfriend, he was way smarter about relationships then i was, i was shook to be honest.

But our relationship had started to feel like it was slowly evaporating, losing its color, becoming darker. My boyfriend was curious to know if we were okay i said i don't know and i told him how in past relationships it would start to get boring and id basically break up with them. He freaked out had a mental breakdown, probably a panic attack, and he almost broke up with me because he thought id break up with him. He thought "if you're just gonna get bored then we should just break up" and i was freaking out because at that time i realized how much i loved him and how much i needed him, how much I appreciated him. I couldn't let it happen so i had talk him down and told him i wasn't gonna leave because i said we'd always find a way to fix it, we just talk it out and it'll all be fine. It usually turned out that way, but fuck that was close, i almost lost the love of my life and that was enough to slap me back into reality that he loves me and is always gonna be there for me no matter how much i think he wont, how much i believe my thoughts are right. He'll always love me and be here for me, and i hope we can grow old together.

Sorry if the end was very sappy feel free to barf.