Depression: It Speaks to Me

Hurt

Hello all, i'm back after a year away in the dungeon and i'm here to talk about a problem i have, a big big problem that i'm sure i'm not the only one who has this particular problem. so, hurt, what does that mean to you? what does it mean to anybody? to hurt someone? someone you possibly love or care about? hmm, such a small word, but a big meaning. i wanna tell you all about some times when i've hurt people (mentally and accidentally) but let me say this first, i never mean to hurt people, i am a very nice person. but i'll talk about that in another chapter. there is only a few stories i can remember, considering my memory (like my life) is literally useless. okay let's get on with the stories...

let's start way at the beginning, and by that, i mean a few years ago when i was probably 9. yep, a young age, of course you'd think i had hurt someone by then, you know me, being a bratty child and all. but i was quite literally exactly how i am now, except i was happy. but can you guess who that someone is?? hmm?????????? if you said "your mom", then you are correct. yes back then i had very much hurt my mom, in the way you'd ask "wow, how bad did it have to be for you to hurt her mentally? was it a joke? did she cry?" well, you see, i'm adopted, and i'm one of those kids who have known my whole life, my mom physically can't have kids, but i won't get into that. as i feel you are getting bored with me talking about useless shit, i'll actually get on with the story. so me and my mom were having some type of argument about something, she had said something to me, i had spat back, it went on for a little bit longer until she really pissed me off and i had yelled "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM" and boom, just like that, she had the most hurt look on her face, i instantly regretted it, i didn't mean to say it, i was just angry; to say she was mad was an understatement. she almost looked like she was gonna cry, she had said and i quote "i don't wanna talk to you"  and my face sunk, i know i was angry, but there was no excuse for me to say that, i had felt so bad, i had cried because i felt so bad, i had tried to apologize some other time in the day, but she wouldn't talk to me. i felt even more horrible i thought "was what i said to her really THAT bad? they were only a few words, useless words, they don't mean anything, i know you're my mom, but why did i say that? you didn't deserve it..." yea, i felt like complete and utter shit, eventually at another point in the day i apologized again and she said "don't ever say that again." and for a while i obeyed that, then another time i did it, but it started and ended the exact same way as the first time. but hey, i never said it again after that. because i know she's my mom and i love her very much.

Lets go back to my kinda ex, i hurt him pretty bad but it was an accident, but not really at the same time?? If you know what i mean???? Yea he was bullying my friend (as i said in the last chapter) and i had called him a few names he had thought we were okay and i had said no because youre bullying my friend and he kept acting like he didn't know what i was talking about so i kept on saying stuff until he said "I'm just gonna kill myself then, nobody cares, its your fault" and i had almost broke down, this whole time my friend was telling me not to confront him but i did it anyways because i cared about her and wanted to defend her, i didn't want it to keep happening. But she seemed mad at me for defending her when she didn't want me to but i was just trying to help, to be there for her but all i did was make someone suicidal and make my friend mad at me. I didn't quite understand how anything there was my fault, yet i still blamed myself. Why didn't i just listen to her? But after the incident and when she got mad, i sat there and almost started crying because i had managed to ruin two people's days in a matter of minutes and possibly one of their lives. After a bit i talked him out of the suicide stuff and he was okay but i made it clear to him about how he was bullying her and how he should apologize, which he did and it was all fine. Me and my friend just kinda never really talked to him again and basically just forgot he existed, until one day he decided to text me and you guys already know that short story.

Okay theres really actually a lot of stories that i have of me accidentally hurting people, but i dont wanna make this that long so im just gonna tell one more.

Okay so i made mistake, lets talk about that.

So i had this friend, he was pretty cool, and i hadnt managed to have many awkward conversations with him yet, which was good. But its crazy how something so good could go wrong so fast. He told me he liked me, as more than a friend. This was recently last year, so yes i was already with my boyfriend. My heart started racing because i didnt know how to tell him, i didnt want to tell him i was taken, because i didnt want to hurt him. It was obvious it was hard for him to find a girlfriend, so i was just trying to let him down easy by saying, "i think we're better off as friends" which was a mistake on my part. I mean, it worked out, but at the same time i wasnt being completely honest. He was a great guy, and any girl would be lucky to have him, but he wasnt for me and i love my boyfriend. I just wish i didnt care so much about other peoples feelings, it just gets me in trouble. So with all the guilt built up, i knew i had to just tell him the truth, it was eating away at me. so, i finally told him, and it went down exactly how i thought it would... he was upset, not in the way that would be expressed through anger or text yelling, even though i could tell he was angry. he just decided to say something quite bad, but i felt i deserved it as i almost led him on. he was mad, probably furious and most of all, the thing that made me feel worse for what i did.. i hurt him. So much he almost committed.... And it was my fault, if I would've just been honest from the beginning, but I don't do that anymore. I tell the truth, which even though it still can hurt some people, it is the right thing to do.