The Art of Holding On (Book 3)

Note_Li.txt

Alam mo ba ang pinakamatinding form ng depression?

Ano?

The lack of self-validation. Imbento ko lang, pero totoo.

What do you mean?

Alam mo 'yun... I've been lonely all my life. There were happy times, of course, and I shared them with you. When I'm with my friends. Masaya naman ako. When I'm with my readers as well. Whenever they tell me I'm good and I influenced their beliefs in a way, masaya ako. Pakiramdam ko effective akong Communication graduate.

[Tawang mapakla.]

[May lasa pala ang mga tawa?]

Pero alam mo 'yun? I lack self-validation. Hindi ko pa rin alam kung anong kaya kong gawin. I know my skills, written in my CV. Pero kapag gabi, kapag mag-isa lang ako, tinatanong ko ang sarili ko – sino ako? Anong kaya kong gawin? Bakit ako nandito?

Existential crisis?

Hindi, eh. I know why I exist. The real problem is how would I accept that reason – and how should I validate it in my own way?

Hindi ko maintindihan. Maine. Ang hirap. Enlighten me. Masyado kang malalim. Malulunod at malulunod lahat ng taong kausap ka at lalo kang hindi maiintindihan.

Eto na nga, eh. Exactly. That's the very reason. I feel like I'm too much for the world. Hard to keep, hard to contain. Parang kahit anong gawin ko. The number of lives I've touched with my stories does not matter –

It does.

Patapusin mo muna ako.

Okay.

Parang kahit anong gawin ko. Parang kahit anong isulat ko. Kahit ilang beses na ang galing mo ang matanggap ko. Hindi okay. Kasi hindi ko makilala 'yung sarili ko. Parang hanggang ngayon wala pa rin akong laman. Parang hanggang ngayon –

– kahit saan mang lugar ako makarating –

– uuwi pa rin akong malungkot.

Walang laman, walang pangalan. Walang identity. May pangalan na pwedeng tawagin pero hindi ako lilingon sa lahat ng oras –

– kasi hindi ako 'yon.

Meron, Maine. You're filled with so much life. Lives. Madami. Kapag kausap kita, pakiramdam ko hindi ka mauubusan ng sasabihin because you are not composed with just one soul. You are already composed of several souls trapped in one body – and those souls aren't nothing, Maine.

[Malambing na hawak sa mukha.]

[Malambing na halik.]

[At mabilis.]

Ikaw lang talaga ang nakakaintindi sa'kin, Alden.

[Isa pa ulit, dahil bitin.]

Tapos hindi ka pa akin.

&^endofnote>;