Searching For The Light: BTOB Changsub x APINK Chorong ✔

Chapter 21

Chapter 21 | At The End

-

Chorong:

"I need you to go."

Changsub stopped what he was doing and looked at me, confusion on his face. "What?"

I held back the tears that would soon fall from my eyes. "You don't need to take care of me, Changsub. You have a life of your own. You shouldn't do this."

"Do what?"

I took in a sharp breath, my heart was aching so bad. I'm tired of being sad. I don't want to be sad anymore, but even seeing Changsub everyday do not lessen the hollowness inside my heart. I just feel like a burden. "This," I said, "You taking care of me. I know you have a lot going on in your life. I want you to be happy the way you should be. You don't have to be here for me, you have everything in your life going so well and I feel like I'm dragging you with me into this darkness that I have trapped myself in! I haven't talked to you in so long, so why are you not getting tired of meㅡ"

My words were drowned out when he pressed his lips on mine.

I closed my eyes and the tears finally spilled out. He kissed me so softly as if I was all the fragile things in the world. I've always dreamed about feeling his lips on mine again after our first kiss, and at the moment, my heart was beating rapidly and my mind was lured into responding to his kissㅡbut I knew what I was feeling. I have him, and he's trying to make me happy, and his kiss made me feel all the love in the world, and yet I was sad. I was sad and broken, and afraid that nothing and nobody could ever make me feel happy again.

When we pulled apart from each other, he stared right into my eyes as he cupped my cheeks with his hands. "I want to take care of you and I don't mind," he said, "You told me to wait for you and that's what I'm doing. You told me you want to confide with me, to hang out and make music with me, so do that. Do the things you used to do. I miss you."

I stared back into his eyes filled with tears that didn't fall. I shook my head. "I don't know, Changsub. I'm sorry."

And he gave me this sad smile that broke my already broken heart into more pieces. He took something out of his bagㅡa USBㅡand gave it to me. "I've finished recording all the songs that would be in my album," he said, "You are in each of them, Chorong. Before I met you, I was in the dark, too but you dragged me out of that. You became the light and music to my life. I hope to be the same to you. I'm in love with you, and when you're ready, know that I'm just always here. I'll be waiting for you."

He pulled me in an embrace and caressed my hair, "I'm not giving up on you," he continued, "so please do not give up on yourself."

He kissed my forehead, then he hugged me another time before turning his back on me, grabbing his backpack and heading towards the door, but before he walks out of it, I called his name.

"Changsub-ah,"

He turned almost immediately.

"What if it takes a long time?" I asked.

He smiled warmly. It touched my heart. "A span of time is nothing, if it's you."

#

The calls I'd been getting from the agencies wanting me to give them a song were ignored. The crumpled papers on my bed just multiply each day and soon it would be a sea of papers in my room.

Eunji and Namjoo came over at least twice a week, depending on their schedule. They're preparing for a comeback and their agency, Plan A, has contacted me to write a song for themㅡand I try. I really do.

But I can't.

It's only then that I understood how Changsub felt when he told me back then how uninspired he was, that the words don't come at all. I would write a few random words and my mind would trail off into nothingness, then the next thing I know I was doodling something that don't make sense at all.

And I finally understood why he almost gave up on his dream to be a singer, why he told me he didn't want to sing anymoreㅡbecause I don't feel like I want to write any more songs.

But if I don't do the only thing that I loved doing, then what am I now?

I have no purpose.

I thought I would get better but days and days have passed, and the world just keep on revolving too fast around me. I'm being left behind.

I would eat regularly, and watch TV, and I cried once while watching a drama where the main character survived from his coma after two years. I spent days wondering what could have happened if I didn't give up on mom.

It was all my fault.

Instead of healing, my heart was changing colorㅡa seemingly permanent color of darkness.

One morning, I woke up from sleeping too much like I've been doing latelyㅡand I dreamed of mom again, and how sadly she was looking at me.

I had cried, saying I'm sorry all over again even though I do not know exactly what I was sorry for.

I guessㅡjust everything.

-

A/N: hey everyone! im sorry for the late and short update. i totally forgot about it today ㅠ

thanks for readingㅡand i know it's sad but it's all i have to show you for this part ㅠ
see u next week :) -heymello x