Maybe We Can

Me and my best friend have known each other for years, practically since we were born. We are so close that I've been going on vacation with his family each summer since I was 8. Infact that's where we are now, this year we decided on Hawaii. Technically I wanted to go to France but it was all against one and now I'm in me and Niall's shared hotel room unpacking. "Why do you have so many long sleeved clothes and sweats? we're in Hawaii." Niall states while watching me unpack from his bed. Despite all the years me and Niall have been friends I have always managed to hide the fact that I'm deppressed...and cut. I'm also very insecure about my body, i believe I'm Im too fat for for hot weather clothes. "I don't know I just just grabbed random clothes when I packed." I finally say after thinking of an excuse. "Oh, well if you get hot you can borrow some of my shorts and a tee-shirt. Okay?" "I won't fit them" I say looking over at his messy suitcase. "why not?" he asks raising a brow like it's not obvious "because my body is bigger than yours, Ni." I say with slight edge "only 'cause you have boobs." he says bluntly. "That's not just it, Ni, just like you havin' a dick isn't the only reason you can't fit in booty shorts" I say back giggling "You're right, it's also 'cause o' my big irish ass" he says standing up and turning around to prove a point. "Sure that could be a reason" I say laughing more. Niall's phone starts to ring and he answers "hello? ... okay, we'll be down in a minute." He hangs up then looks at me "we gotta go out onto the beach and meet my parents for dinner." "Okay" I say throwing on my flip flops. We make our way down the hotel hallway to the elevator. "I wanna press the button!" i say shoving Niall out of the way and clicking the down button. "Could have said excuse me" he says laughing "too much energy." I say as we walk into the elevator. "It's steamin' here how are you not hot in those clothes?" Niall asks and grabs my hoodie sleeve. "You could at least roll the sleeves up." He tries to pull my sleeve up but I jolt away. "No, no, I'm fine. I'm actually kinda chilly in this night air." I say, by now we are outside, walking to the beach. "Oh, okay..." "Where the heck are your parents?" I complain. " I think I see them over there." He says, sure enough it was and they had a whole dinner picinic set up. "Marie, what are you doing in those heavy clothes?!" Maura yells at me "She says she's a bit chilly." Niall answers for me. "oh, alright then, let's eat!" We start to eat and joke off then head back to the hotel. "Night, mom. Night, Jack." Niall says and hugs them both. "Goodnight Niall. I love you." Maura says "I love you too" "Nighty night guys." I say and hug them. "Goodnight Marie, keep your eye out for Niall, don't let him have late night snacks." Maura instructs me and i chuckle and we all go to our rooms. "I'll make the sheet fort, you get the popcorn and movie." I say as soon as we're in our room. By the time we're set up its 10:00 PM. "Jack's a pretty cool guy" I say randomly. "Yeah he's a good guy for me mum." "She's really happy with him." "I know her smile has grown and it's fantastic" he smiles. "I wish I had someone to make me happy." I say to myself. "What was that?" Niall asks. "Oh nothing, just talking to myself." I answer. "You're goin' a bit crazy." Niall jokes "You have no idea" I respond. By the end of the movie I find myself with my head on Niall's lap. "I don't wanna get up." I conplain. "Then don't." Niall responds "But we gotta clean up and go to bed." I say back, "ugh fine." Niall groans, we clean up and Niall lays in his bed. "I'll be right back" I say "Where are you going?" Niall asks. "The bathroom sheesh." I say grabbing my toiletries bag and walk into the bathroom. I lock the door behind me and walk over to the toilet and set the cover down and sitting. Now is when I let the tears flow but I stay as quiet as I can so Niall doesn't hear. I get up and walk over to the sink grabbing my toiletries bag and opening it to pull out a razor. I pull my sleeve up revealing scars and I hold it over the sink then place the razor to the skin slipping it across. Blood starts to fall out like sap from a tree in summer, thick. I make about 4 more cuts then i clean the razor and stop the bleeding on my arm. Pulling my sleeve down and putting the razor back in the bag I flush the toilet so Niall thinks that's what I've been doing in here then I rinse the blood from the sink and brush my teeth then head out. "Come cuddlllllleee" Niall whines and I laugh. "No, Ni. remember we have to stay in our own beds. Your mothers request for each time we go on vacation." I giggle "ugh fine. But if you have a nightmare again I'm coming over there." Niall states with a stern tone. "Niall, they're just nightmares." "Nightmares that you have each night." "You think someone cuddles me at home when I have nightmares? I can handle them." I state "I don't care, Marie I'm not letting you cry and shake." he ends the discussion. I walk over to Niall's bed "Goodnighty night night, Ni Ni, don't let the vashtanerada bite." I say kissing his cheek "You're such a geek." he says "ew geek spit is on my face!" he jokes "oh shut it." I say throwing a pillow at his face and he giggles "goodnight sweet dreams" he says kissing my cheek. "Ew Ni germs!" I mock "You love it." Niall says laughing and we both start cracking up from pure tired-ness. Then I start to tickle him "No! Nonononononono!" he laughs rolling around. Then he starts tickling me back and we both start rolling around the bed laughing and tickling eachother then he touches some cuts and i wince, he immediatly stops. "Did i hurt you?" "No, no I'm fine." I insist "I think we should sleep now." I say getting up "Love ya, Ni" "Love ya 'Rie" I fall asleep then I find myself having a nightmareI'm screaming and thrashing then i feel something shake me and I feel myself waking up. I open my eyes, i feel tears streaming down my cheeks and firm arms on me. "Marie?! Are you okay?!" "yeah, yeah I'm fine. Go back to sleep." I try to brush it off. "Marie, you're trembling. I am not going back to sleep till you are. scoot over." he instructs then lays next to me. I feel his arms wrap around me "I'm sorry for waking you up..." I whisper as if I'm telling a secret. "Don't be. I'm sorry you had another nightmare." I feel his breath across my ear. "Oh gosh. You're still trembling. I'm so sorry." His embrace gets tighter "Ni, losen up I'm gonna turn around to face you" I say then I do. As soon as I'm turned around he tightens his grip back up. "I'm sorry" he parrots what he said earlier. "It's not your fault, Ni." my voice sounds shakey "I wish I could do something." He says "You are. You're hugging me" I say wrapping my arms on him. "But thats not doing much, You're still trembling" I nuzzle my head into his chest "sing to me." I whisper "What song?" He asks almost as quiet as me. "Look after you." About half way through the song I find myself falling asleep and the last thought in my head is that I have to tell him soon.