real | bellarke

five | it's bellamy

BELLAMY:

When I wake up, Clarke is gone, which is funny, because it's her tent. She must be working and that means it must be daytime again.

I throw on my shirt and pants, then stagger outside. The sky is streaked with orange, indicating sundown. Have I been sleeping all day again? My eyes scan camp, until they land on Clarke. She's outside the dropship, talking with Monty. He walks away, so I sneak up behind her.

"Hey," I whisper in her ear as seductively as I can, which ends up more creepy than sexy.

Clarke jumps a little, then turns around. "Hey," she responds. "You scared me."

"Did you let me sleep all day?" I narrow my gaze and do my best accusation face.

"You were awfully tired," she replies, grinning.

"I feel kind of bad. I'm not supposed to be taking days off." Truthfully, it's been nice, but most of my work is probably falling on her.

She puts her hand on my shoulder. "We all deserve a break every once in awhile," she tells me, reminding me of what I said to her that first night.

"So are you suggesting we go back to your tent right now, take another one?" I raise my eyebrows.

"I would love to, but since I'm doing your share of the work, too..." She bites her lip.

"Fine, fine, I'll help you out," I moan. "What needs to be done?"

"The hunting parties need to be organized, put on a schedule and given weapons for tomorrow. I think they mostly know how to hunt but if you want to review it with them-"

"Done," I say.

It feels like a moment where I would kiss her, if we weren't standing in front of all of these people. I want to hold her face in my hands and press my lips to hers before I run off, but I can't. It's just not a good idea.

Instead, I awkwardly pat her arm. She gives me a funny look but I walk away before she has time to say anything about it. Why am I acting like this?

Okay, maybe I do want to be a couple in front of everyone. It wasn't exactly my idea to keep our relationship a secret. If it even is a real relationship. I understand her whole "leader" logic, and maybe announcing that we're sleeping together would cause madness throughout the camp... but it would be worth it. Her desperation for secrecy makes me feel like she doesn't want to be with me. Which is fine, because our whole agreement does not mean we're together together. I don't want to overstep the boundaries, and ruin what we have but... maybe it'll hurt me too much to just be fuck buddies with her.

CLARKE:

After Bellamy taps my arm and just strolls away, I'm left standing there, kind of confused. I'm sure he meant nothing by it, but it was strange.

I don't have much time to contemplate what just happened because I feel my arm being snatched, and suddenly I'm stumbling into a nearby tent.

"So you're screwing Bellamy?" Raven asks with a smirk, sitting me down on the cot. I hope this is her tent.

I decide to be honest with her. I haven't been able to talk about this to anyone, and this isn't technically breaking any rules that may have been set. I didn't tell her, she found out. And therefore, it is perfectly valid if I want to elaborate. Right? "So what if I am? He's great in bed. We're good together. It's like stress relief for both of us." I count on my fingers, just for emphasis.

She raises her eyebrows, and even though I haven't known her that long, I recognize it as a classic Raven look: "I know better than you."

"What?" I'm starting to regret confiding in her.

"I just didn't take you as one for casual hookups. The whole 'no feelings, no attachments' gig." She purses her lips together, like she already knows that whatever I say won't retire her doubts.

"I mean, it's not exactly like that. I wouldn't be doing this with just anyone. It's Bellamy." I go for the best angle I can to justify why I'm acting so out of character. That this isn't just a hook-up, it's with a trusted friend. A really hot trusted friend. A really hot trusted friend who's also funny and clever and sweet... Oh, God.

"So you have feelings for him?"

"I don't know if I would describe it as feelings..." And yet, I think I would. Just not aloud.

"What would you describe it as?"

I think for a moment, to try and come up with an answer that doesn't reveal too much about what I just realized. "We're friends with benefits. I trust him, I care about him, I like sleeping with him, but I don't think we'd ever be like boyfriend and girlfriend." I nod, satisfied with my answer.

Raven, apparently, is not. "But do you want that?"

"Want what?"

"The dating. The holding hands, kissing in front of everybody, the 'I love you's and everything. Even if you don't think you can have it, do you want it?"

I bit my lip. "I mean, a little..."

Raven gives me that look again. Dammit, she totally knows.

"But isn't that normal?" I protest. "Isn't it normal to feel that way about the person you're banging?"

She shrugs. "That's why I don't do that grey area. It's either a one night stand or the real deal for me. It's too confusing in the middle ground. But hey, if it's working, then good for you." She smiles, gets up and leaves.

What the fuck? How am I supposed to feel now? I thought I liked where Bellamy and I stood, but now I'm not so sure.

Of course I want to hold his hand and do couple things. I want to stare into his eyes forever and laugh with him until I die. But it's just not realistic. I don't mean that much to him, at least in that way. And if me having these feelings is going to interfere with our arrangement, it's best that I just ignore them.

Thanks for reading, please let me know if you liked it!