Bio thingy 2.0

I guess i was wrong

It wasn't as cool as I'd hoped with mum's friend and her kids being here. It was... really difficult.

(I guess this is a rant, or a mental landfill. You really don't need to read this... it's worthless trash about how awful I'm feeling inside)

Watching all 3 daughters and the connection with their dad. It's so fukin hard. I just... idk. They also left me feeling a bit inadequate.

I have this thing, where, I hate people that are so same-y. Like, they're trying to be someone else. And that always ends up in a fake big personality. Ella, the oldest one, she's into all the modern pop music, the emo stuff, anime. We were pretty good friends when we were kids. And for some reason I just feel like.. I'm not enough. Like I'm not good enough for anyone.

I don't mean romantically, cuz I KNOW I'm not. I just mean in a friendship way. It's so difficult to explain.

Does anyone remember how I talked about tarrin? My best mate. Like, best best mate. We were born in same hospital in same week. Our mums've been good mates. 
Well I saw a picture of him the other day. He's always been pale, with dark hair. And now he's taller, got longer hair, real dark upper lip hair and was wearing shades. He's the same, but with more character I guess. lol I remember we both loved tractors

This was a post on his mums Facebook page. So so glad he has a good taste in music. We'll be meeting up sometime next academic year

What if he's amazing but makes me feel worthless. Like, I don't mean he has a huge fake character, I mean what if he's as kind hearted as he always was

I'm psychotic.
I'll say that now.
If you make my friendship group,
Then congratulations.

I don't really do the friendship thing. It always leaves me feeling irritated or inadequate. Friends let you down sometimes. I miss being little, where everybody thought I had no idea what was going on. Then they wouldn't judge me or ask me so many questions like ~ "how're you doing?" or "are you ok?"

Tarrin was the best. What if he's awkward. And what if he doesn't really remember me. I have a phenomenal memory (long term, short term is crap)

I just feel so... bad. Like, I don't want a dad cuz I don't need one yet I still feel strange and kinda sad when other girls are around theirs, or talk about them. That's another thing. People from school always talking about their happy family. None of them know what it's like. Then they'll be like ~ "you're quiet". And I'm just like ~ "ok"

I'm and awkward fuker I know. Crap. What am I doing. I can't speak Korean like Ella. I'm not pretty like Vivian. I'm not inocent like bonnie. I'm not smart like ash. I let people down a lot. I can't help people because memories are too painful. Why am I still here. I've got this inner pain that's tearing me apart. It hurts. I don't know what to say except... maybe that I really miss Casper, and that I just want jack to come back online.

They both made me feel so happy and amazing and like I belonged somewhere. Now as Casper is dead, and that Jack doesn't know anything that's happened in the last 2 months because he's not here, he can't help. Idk wut it is. Why they both made me feel so good about myself. Casper was like a brother to me. Without them, I don't belong anywhere.

Maybe that sounds stupid, I don't care, it's true.