Journal #22 Mind Captured

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  I'm captured by my own mind . Everything has gotten worse. I didn't think it could but it did. I no longer lust for happiness. I lust for death. Its become a dream of mine. Every night I dream of a new way to die. How to make a bang. It's terrifying to see what I've become. I can't face my own self anymore. I don't understand any of this. I was never told how to survive this. This battle has become tiresome. I'm fighting to escape but I'm still captured. Even reality has team up with my mind. If I lived in a fantasy I could escape but reality hit me hard. All this pain,  mentally and physically. I wonder if its really worth it.

    I want to let go of everything. I want have my skin icy cold and loss of color. I want to feel just one single emotion of happiness. i would have had that. If I hadnt made a promise to my Jumoke. I would be a slave for Satan already. I would be long gone. I'd probably be in the worst  place to a normal person but to me it'd be my eden. But now I'm stuck here. Here, where I  consider a pit of darkness. I just await,  jailed in my own mind.

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