Suicidal Journal

Journal #23 Missing the Past

   Have you ever just dazed off ? And as your daze goes deep you start to cry. Cause at that moment, within your dazes you remember the things you lost. All these memories what good are they if the bring you pain. Why should I be grateful for what happen instead of sad. These filled with happy times, their painful to remember because i know I'll never get those moments back. I live with no regrets but I do live with unwanted memories. Who would to feel heartaches ever time one shall remember something. Why would anyone want to cry themselves asleep because the memories won't stop. It's hurts so much to miss the past. It's also disappointing to know that you can never go back and relive it. 

   The worst of missing the past is missing every memory with him. Every day, every hour, every minute my minds focus on him. It's hard to let go of this feeling we call love. I can just be looking out a window and I'll remember him. Within school as I wander the halls, I start to miss every second I spent with him. I sometimes just stare blankly where we made memories. Even think of the first day realize my feelings for him. As cliche as it is, I fell for him when he helped me across the school roof in the summer of 2k13. From then on I just couldn't stop the feelings I harbored for him. I just miss it so much. I miss him. Some days I wake thinking he is still mine that everything else was a dream. But then my sanity comes back to me and I realize he is no longer mine. I've tried to let go. But it's truly hard especially when I see can't help to fall in love Over and over. I use to have hopes he'd change his mind but after seeing him with her, over and over again. Seeing him kiss her, hug her just being around, after witness it, I tried to terminate every love feeling I felt towards him. But how can you terminate a feeling when you miss the person who is causing this feeling so much. 

     After awhile I stop trying to fight the memories of the past. People say it's better to let go. It's not a simple as they say. So all I do now it's just listening to my playlist. and thinks of days I would like to relive.