Insecure

Insecuties: the feeling that we are not good enough for a multitude of reasons.

It seems like just yeterday that I pressed down the call button on my phone just to hear your voice on the other end. The constant craving of the affection you provided me with made me feel secure. I allowed myself to believe in the persuasive words that you used to lure me in.

Although I never asked you for anything, I sacrificed my opinions, beliefs and values, just so I could get a moment alone with you. I drank in your brief moments of attention with the eagerness of a child who's offered the last piece of chocolate cake.

I desperately craved the feeling of your body, or maybe it could have been anybody if I think back on it, against my own. I warned myself about the dangers of getting in too deep but I was already drowning. I was engulfed by the toxic wasteland of your love and seeped it's poison into my soul.

I allowed your presence in my life to take priority over the things I cherished. I used to live my life unphased by the consequences of my actions but I knew better now. I wanted to push past the limitations of the relationship but you couldn't do that.

I refused to believe that you were imperfect. I thought the earth had shifted on its axis the moment you pressed your lips into mine. I accepted your faults without hesitation because the sun, moon and stars shined in your eyes. I didn't know that you were actually a black hole destroying everything in your path.

I didn't look past your exterior because I saw what I wanted. I fictionalized you into the character that I wished you to be. I allowed myself to fantasize about a future where we could be together. I played house with you for a moment because I wanted a family.

I relished in the moment that confined my greatest fears. We would be colliding together in this atmsphere for the duration of our lives. A mere moment in time aligned the stars so that I could give birth to new life.

I reached for the phone in my purse with elation. I was thrilled that our two worlds would be connected for the eternity that we would share together. I waited for your answer with impatience causing my heart to rush into overdrive.

I heard the smoothness of your voice as you answered the phone. I voiced my impending surprise that would arrive nine months later. I crushed my hopes of a future with you that day as I heard a familiat voice in the background. I knew you were with the other girl. I felt the shattering of the planet's that had filled my sky just for you.

I could no longer believe in the delusion that one day you would give up on the other woman. In my womb a new galaxy was being formed that would need my love to grow. I prevailed through the darkness without hope for a happy ending.

It didn't matter anymore when she was born. The moment I held her in my arms I was filled with an all encompassing knowledge. I knew I would be the mother earth, that kept her seasons going, for however long my eternity would be.