Palestwinians.

Numb.

"When you're going through something hard and you start wondering where Allah is, just remember the teacher is always quiet during a test." - Nouman Ali Khan

Chapter 5 - Numb

Numbness. 

That was all I felt. 

Sobs, my own sobs was all I heard.

Dryness is all I tasted.

Deep down, I knew one day something like this would happen - that it was inevitable. But no matter how much I tried to mentally prepare myself, or how much I tried to build a tough interior, nothing, nothing at all could have prepared me for the reality of death.

But why is it that I feel this way? After all aren't we all going to die? Death is inescapable, natural...

To Allah [swt] we belong and to Him is our return.

So why does it shock us so? Why does it hurt?

Maybe it's because, as human beings we are naturally inclined to attach ourselves mentally, emotionally and even physically to those we love. And then when they are ripped away from us, so too, does a little of our body tear and break in the process. Or maybe it's because it enlightens us on the reality of life, which scares us and causes us to question how much longer we have to live and what we've accomplished in our life. What have we done of good and will that be enough for the hereafter? What about our sins? Have we repented?

Or maybe all these feelings are intensified, when death arrives at the hands of cruelty, of injustice and oppression.

I curled into my body even further, pulled the blanket up to my chin and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to diminish my racing thoughts. 

But how could I? 

Before my thoughts could stray onto dangerous waters, I realised that someone was knocking on the door vigorously. 

I didn't both to answer whoever it was and instead, stared out my window at the tall, looming buildings.

"Yasmine. Please open the door," came Zach's firm voice.

The buildings were mocking me, a cruel reminder.

"Yaz. Please open. I haven't seen you in a whole week. I need to see you." 

A bird flew past my window and I suddenly wished I could be that free. Life was so simple for them. If they didn't see what they liked they just migrated somewhere else. They escaped.

"That's it Yasmine. I'm opening this door right now so you better have your scarf on." 

Suddenly, something in the back of my brain was screaming 'ERROR!' and when Zach's words finally registered, I had only just managed to pull the blanket over my head before he barged in.

"Zach. What the hell?" I croaked out. I had to cough to clear my throat, my voice coming out raspy and extremely dry from barely talking and eating.

"I warned you." When I didn't say anything and just remained in my position; flat, with my hands holding the blanket above my head, I heard a sigh and felt the bed dip near my feet. "You can't keep doing this. I know you. You'll cage yourself up until you completely depress yourself by bottling up all your emotions. Please talk to me." I could hear the desperation in his voice. 

"Go away Zach," was all I managed to murmur.

"Yasmine," he said, his voice coming out firmer, "this isn't good for you and you know I'm right. You're only doing more damage than anything." I continued to filter out his words. "You're stronger than that Yasmine," he continued in a soft whisper, his voice laced with sadness.