Palestwinians.

Loosing control.

"Sometimes you don't feel the weight of something you've been carrying, until you feel the weight of its realease." - Anonymous

Chapter 6 - Loosing control

I bolted upright and immediately tried to steady myself with my hands. I was swaying, my head still swirling from that horrible dream. I was sweating profusely and my heart was pounding a million miles an hour.

Ever since the explosion, I’ve been having nightmares that would wake me and keep me up all night, tonight’s one being especially bad. All I could see was Ehab’s bruised and bloodied body and this time, I had witnessed him being caught under the rubble. His bright blue eyes were open and were staring at me, as if asking, why didn’t you save me? 

I squeezed my eyes shut and attempted to forget the graphic visual. It was all too much. I felt like it was on repeat and the trauma would never end. 

I decided that instead of lying in bed, staring at the ceiling too scared to sleep, I would get up and make wudu'. Since there was still an hour until fajr, I took out my Qur’an and began reading, going to my favourite Surah, Ad Duha. 

“Your Lord has not taken leave of you, [O Muhammad], nor has He detested [you].” 

“And the Hereafter is better for you than the first [life].” 

“And your Lord is going to give you, and you will be satisfied.” 

SubhanAllah; it was truly amazing how the words had an immediate effect on me. It was a reassurance that I was not alone, hope and guidance all in one. I smiled and continued reading until the athan rang on my mobile. I closed the Qur’an, kissed it three times and returned it to my bookshelf.

Whilst praying, I made as much supplication as I could, that Ehab will pass easily from this life into the next but mostly to give me patience and to never let my faith drop. 

I knew there was no chance of me falling asleep again, so I went downstairs to make a coffee. I was surprised to find Noah sitting on one of the stools drinking some tea, his eyebrows scrunched, staring at the wall opposite him. 

He was in a daze so I side nudged him. “What’re you worrying about?” His eyes flickered towards me before he looked back down at his mug, swirling the contents within. 

“You,” he replied simply. At his response, I sighed and sat down next to him, leaning my head on his shoulder.

“Why are you worrying about me. I told you I’d be fine.” 

“What you say is not always what I believe Yasmine. You can pretend to be fine all you want but I know you’re still struggling. I know you’re having nightmares too.” My eyes widened and I immediately got up to look at him properly. 

“How do you know that?”

He took a sip of his tea and didn’t reply. After a few minutes he simply said, “I’m your older brother. I just know.”

“They’ll pass inshAllah,” I said dismissively, getting up to make my coffee.

“Yasmine we have lots of counsellors, if you’re not going to talk to us, at least talk to them.” I took the mug out of the cupboard and closed it harshly. Why was he still on this when it was clear I didn’t want to talk about it? I had come down to clear my mind and instead, I was being reminded at every corner, even in my sleep. 

“Noah just drop it ok. I don't want to talk about this,” I said tightly. 

“But you’re no-,“ I slammed the cup down on the counter so hard, it shattered in my hand. I was breathing heavily, staring at the glass and blood, just blinking, surprised by my own actions. Noah too, was staring at my hand, his face slowly paling and his eyes clouding with a mix of regret and anger.