3 am Thoughts

Josh

You know those texts that you type but will never send because either:

A) you're too stubborn
B) you believe that you're right
Or
C) you won't let them win

The funny thing is, they already won because you're thinking about them. You're typing all of your thoughts, possibly erasing them, but you keep fixing them until it's perfect. After the hours you spent in crafting this perfect message, you still decide to never send it. Why? It could be for various reasons but something, or maybe even someone, told you not to send it. Now you have to wait and see what happens. You still get anxious even though you didn't even do anything but what if they try to contact you again? Then what?!

I always wait and craft the "perfect" message. Sometimes they get sent and sometimes they don't. Unfortunately, sometimes you regret that "perfect" message once you're calm. That's just part of life though... right?!

Anyways, here's a message that I sent and I definitely shouldn't have. It got me blacklisted and none of my guy friends would talk to me because of it. Do I blame them? Yes, because they left me alone when I needed someone the most. Should I have said these things? No, but at the time, I didn't regret it for a second. Self pitying people drive me crazy and the fact that I was getting called a "terrible person" for turning a guy down infuriated me. So without further ado, here's the message that I sent to destroy most of my friendships... enjoy!

•4/18/15 8:54 pm•

Here I am channeling my inner bitch just for you, congrats! You managed to piss me off so here you go! I'm sorry that you can't catch up with reality and understand that life is full of shit. You have to stop self pitying yourself. You have to stop making this thing into an ordeal; that is just dumb as fuck. I appreciated your feelings and all but sorry I can't be your hero. You know who can be your savior? Yourself, when you stop living in this bubble of a victim. Get over yourself! Everyone has gone through shit the same or maybe, believe it or not, even worse than you have. Cry me a mother fucking river. Build yourself a bridge and get over it. You make it sound like I'm pushing myself onto you, I'm not! You're the one who wanted to talk to me so if you can't take it, stfu bitch! I'm soo done.

•••

Hindsight is a beautiful thing. If only I knew the consequences of that message before I sent it. I was "helplessly" in love with Josh's best friend, Bryce. Not only was I "in love" with him, Bryce was my best guy friend and was the only person that I felt comfortable talking about anything with. He was the only one there for me through thick and thin and I was there for him through his messy break up with a girl who bashed my reputation so he would date her instead of me.

Anyways, back to the guy that I never apologized to but somehow still has feelings for me. You know how I was talking about writing texts that I'll never send?

So, after I sent that lovely message, I got this lovely reply:

•4/18/15 11:44 pm•

Fuck off. I should've listened to Bryce when he told me not to talk to you. I should've listened......

•••

I followed this text with my immature "Bryce was right, go bitch about me" response. Although my response was immature and catty, I was right about him going around and dragging my name through the dirt. Did I deserve it? Sure, but they didn't know how much their actions hurt me.

The only friend that I really had that summer from school was this guy, Joe. Joe was also one of Josh's friends but not as close. Joe was my rock that summer. Between him and Bryce, they convinced me that I have to work out my problems with Josh but I, understandably, got blocked on Facebook, which was my only form of communication with Josh.

That summer, I wrote several messages about apologizing to Josh. I wrote and erased, wrote and erased, and wrote and erased until I finally settled on the following message. Was it the best? No, but he never received it so it doesn't really matter.

•7/15/15 3:47 am•

I just want to apologize for being a bitch to you and your friends the last couple weeks at school. I don't have an excuse but umm I just wanted to whole heartedly apologize because I didn't intend on blowing things out of proportion like I did. I was actually mean to you which I regret but even if I was mad, I would never post that yik yak post from about two months ago. If I was trying to say something, you would know because it'd be direct.

•••

Considering that's what I thought was best, I'm glad that I never sent it. In case you don't know, Yik Yak is an app that you use around colleges and post anonymously for anybody in that geographical area to see. Yes, you did get notice on events going on around campus but it was also an easy way to expose people on a large scale. I may have been mad and yes, I'm a hothead, but I would never try to ruin someone else's reputation unless they tried to kill me (that's a story for another time). Anyways, clearly not a great reply but I guess at least it was something. Something that I'd never send...

•••

Which brings me to the point of this reflection. Yes, I was wrong and too stubborn to admit it but he creeped me out. There will always be something to reinforce your actions to yourself, whether they are good or bad reasons is in question.

Currently, Josh and I still don't talk and there's this awkward tension between us. According to Bryce, he's still not over the whole situation or his feelings for me. Bryce and I are friends again, well friendly acquaintances, which is better than nothing since I truly value his friendship. Josh and I tried to be civil in September 2015, but I ruined that when he started trashing Joe and I would hang out with Joe, so I told him. Basically, I attract the dumb drama. Remember: just because you have guy friends, doesn't mean that it's drama free.

•~•~•

Hey guys!

If this is your first time on my page, welcome! If you're returning, thank you so much for putting up with my scattered brain!

I really hope that you liked this "chapter"! I don't know what form this book will take, whether it will be like this or it will be shorter random thoughts, but please feel free to take this journey with me! If you liked this chapter and want to read more, please vote and comment! Your feedback means the world to me!

I hope that you're having a great day and if nobody has told you today, you're worth it! If you were waiting for a sign, this is it.

Love always,
Anneke