3 am Thoughts

My true love

In the last installment, I said that I was in love with two guys... this isn't about either of them. Since the last time I posted, I broke off an engagement and fell in love with my best friend. Yes, this seems like a movie plot and maybe one day it will be one, but for now it's just my life.

Maybe I should give a bit of history between my best friend and I. We first met working together in summer 2017. I was still engaged and nothing sparked between us. In fact, I had a bit of a crush on our other coworker and everyone knew, including the guy and my fiancé. He went off to bigger and better things, and I went back to school. It wasn't until the end of 2017 that we started talking again and actually hung out one-on-one. Just a harmless walk through a Christmas village with your favorite Jewish boy never hurt... right?! Neither of us would've predicted what would occur a few months later.

If you've read the first installment of "my crazy life" you'll know about my cute little red car without a sunroof. After Super Bowl 52, my birds won baby, I drove back to college. I wanted more than anything to come back for the parade, a once in a lifetime opportunity, so I decided that I was going to go. I won't get into all of the details right now, but I was in a bad car accident, only I was hurt, and needless to say, my dreams of going to the parade were over. My car was totaled and I was told that I was lucky to be alive and well. I think this is what sparked his feelings for me.

I'm not going to get into the details of our relationship but it was the best four months of my life. Y'all know that if we were still dating, this wouldn't be in here so let's go!

Here's a text that I haven't sent, nor will I probably ever send to him. I still love him, even though it's been about 8 months since he broke my heart. There are some things in here that are controversial, so let me just quickly give a backstory. His family is Jewish, as previously mentioned, and they (apparently) want him to marry a Jewish girl. Honestly, I'm not very religious, but I always thought I would get baptized if it was important to my significant other. The problem is that I'm not ethnically Jewish, meaning I don't have Jewish DNA, which is something that I cannot change. I'm a "basic white girl" and he had told me he would fight for me and that it'd be fine since I was white. This comment came after his parents made him break up with his last girlfriend for being Puerto Rican. I am not saying that I agree nor disagree with their beliefs on race or ethnicity, but it's important to the text. I always blamed his family for our break up, but this was me finally realizing that this was his decision. We're both adults and can make choices for ourselves, I just wasn't worth it. I just need to get some feelings off of my chest so here they are for your viewing pleasure, enjoy!

March 19th, 2019 at 12:31 am:

Honestly, I'll never understand what your rationale for asking me out was. You clearly knew that you would never go against your parents and wanted to share your traditions with someone that has had the same ones for their whole life, so what was the point? This is the anger stage if you couldn't already tell. Like, why did I get to fall in love with you while you knew that it was never going to work out? I knew that my parents would come around, in fact they have and are more than willing to give us a second chance in their book. Again, it's never going to happen, but it's crazy to me that they can get over me calling off an engagement for someone else but not being born something is unforgivable. My brain hurts just thinking about that. Ironically, I'm being discriminated against in a bias sense lol. A Western European being discriminated against... that's a wild twist. Like, damn. I never wanted to waste your time and every moment we shared was very precious to me that I never considered it ending, but I guess you thought about it relatively a lot. You didn't say a word to me about it when I spent the week with you. I cried on your floor knowing that I wasn't good enough for you but you assured me that I was. I guess that I wasn't enough a week later. You knew while I was there that it was doomed... every moment we were together you knew that we were doomed. You always said that it'd be ok and "I'm white so it's fine" but I'm not even what you wanted. I blame your family, but you even said it yourself that you want someone Jewish to share your traditions with. If that's not a fucking bullet in my heart, I don't know what is. You might as well have stabbed me for how much I cared about you... how much I loved you. I made plenty of mistakes while we were dating, especially seeing my ex fiancé. I have many, many faults and I always thought you were crazy to be able to handle them. It was always temporary though because you knew in your heart and mind that you never had any intention on progressing things to a permanent state. You should've never asked me out if you wanted a Jewish girl. Correction, ethnically Jewish girl because I always knew that I would convert for the right person. It's not enough though and it'll never be enough. I'm so upset with you right now. My mind's racing thinking about all the time that was lost. Maybe four months isn't that short after all when thinking about having to cut it off. This is probably the worst statement I'm going to type for a while so here it is: I feel like you were happy that my ex fiancé was at my house because it gave you the initial excuse that you needed to end it. It was a relief to not have to continue the doomed relationship. I'm contemplating even sending this. It's not worth my energy getting upset when I feel like you always knew you would break my heart, it was just a matter of when. We clicked so well... I still have the Mütter Museum clip in my wallet... I have everything from our dates and not dates... it totally sucks. You know what, send me my stuff if that's what you really want. I guess that'll solidify that it's over for good. My heart's pounding so hard... I'm just hurt and mad and I guess that's completely irrational.

To this day, I don't regret risking the friendship or the love that I felt with him. It was a blissful thing that made me the happiest I've ever been. I wish that I could go back and relive those moments. I'll move on eventually but today I asked him if he has any feelings for me, other than friendship. He asked me why do I do this to myself and what am I trying to accomplish. Maybe I'm crazy, but I need to hear that he doesn't like me anymore. Is that insane?