Running

Chapter Three

I sat in the car on the ride back home. I tried to still my legs, but my heart was racing. I could tell that my blood pressure was rising. And fast. Each mile closer to home was another few minutes closer to tonight. I thought about how I would get out of the house and how I would do it. In a way, it scared me so badly that I wanted to cry, but I needed to do it. All of my problems would be gone. Instantly.

I thought about how I twist my feet in the sheets under my covers at night. Twisting, twisting, twisting. Coiling the fabric around my body. I started to panic a little, so I closed my eyes and worked to slow my breathing.

Twisting.

A picture of twisted rope flashed in my mind.

Twist.

The rope uncoiling then all of sudden, jerk! It stopped twisting. A weight at the end of the rope holding it tight. I couldn't see the weight, but I knew what it was.

Tonight, it would be me.

I looked at each of my family members in the car with me.

Father.

Rope.

Mother.

Bridge.

Chris.

Water.

I looked at my sweaty hands in my lap, folded on my skirt. Jerk. A tear rolled down my cheek. No! No, no, no. I couldn't cry. They couldn't see me cry! I wouldn't cry. I rubbed my nose and sniffed, swiping the single tear off my skin. This drive was suddenly felt fast, yet long all at one time.

*****

I laid in bed. The clock ticked over my head. The sound was annoying. Chhk, chhk, chhk. My heart thudded in my chest, faster with each click of the minute hand. I had to wait until everyone was asleep, then find the rope I hid under my bed. I had bought it at the hardware store the other day.

I had actually gone to buy something that my father needed. It was just a block or so down the road, a tiny, hole-in-the-wall feed and hardware store. I saw myself walking the aisles, stalling. I didn't want to go home. I rarely got out by myself because it was pretty much forbidden. I had spotted the rope and carefully studied the different thicknesses, wondering which would fit my purpose best.

I walked to the front desk. "Excuse me, sir?"

"Yes? Can I help you?" he had said, looking up from his iPhone.

"Umm, I need some rope, but I don't know what size, and I need it cut."

He stood up and walked with me back to the aisle I had found the rope in. He turned to me, "What purpose do you need it for?"

I hesitated. "Hanging something. From a decent height, it'll be about one hundred and fifty pounds of weight." Close enough, right?

He pulled out the right size of rope. "How much do you need?"

"Mmm... Maybe one hundred feet?"

He measured and cut the rope. As he handed it to me, he looked me in the eye. "Be careful. It'll give you a rope burn." I smiled and nodded as if it were no big deal, but I realized that somehow he knew. How could anyone willingly help? I shrugged it off. We headed to the counter to pay before walking home.

I turned around in bed and looked at the clock. Midnight. It was time. It was finally time. Deep breath. I got out of bed and started my carefully thought out plan. I pulled off the comforter and for the first time in a while I carefully lifted up the top sheet smoothing it out flat over my mattress. No longer was it a tangled up mess. I pulled the comforter back up over the bed and neatly placed my pillows atop. I cleaned my bedroom cleaner than it has ever been. I stood, my hands resting on my hips and studied my bedroom. Clean, it was clean. That's what I wanted. Now what? A note. Did I want to leave a note? That's what people do, right? Leave a note? No. Not me. They could care less. I guess this was it. I bent down and reached under my bed, blindly feeling for the rope. My fingers touched the rough texture. I reached in just a bit further until I can fully wrap my fingers around it. I set it on top of my bed and changed into my shorts and a tank top.

I walked over to my window and unlatched it, slowly sliding it up, careful to not make a sound. I pushed on the mesh, popping it out of place, and crawled out the small frame. My bare feet touched the cold, damp grass. I took a deep breath and moved one step forward. This was finally it.