Ryden Crack One-Shots

Thirteen Reasons Ryan

( SPOILERS FOR 13 REASONS WHY )
      It's Ryan. Ryan Ross. That's right. Don't adjust your.... whatever device you're hearing this on. It's me, live and in stereo. No return engagements, no encore, and this time, absolutely no requests. Get a snack. Settle in. Because I'm about to tell you the story of my life. More specifically, why my life ended.
I moved to the town of Potatoratoville, Ohio at the beginning of this year. I had to move often because my father had a moving business in the Potatorato line of work, which basically means my father makes inventions out of potatoes and discovers new lines of potatoes every fucking day. He'd come home from work excited to tell our family about the new mother fucking French fries shoes he made. Because who wouldn't want a shoe made out of a fucking potato? But this is off topic. So yeah, my dad got a job upgrade to the potatotato factory which just happend to be smack dab in the middle of Potatotatoville. Yippie! And we all know the one thing every teen dreads when moving? A new school. And worst yet, the new gay kid with a potato for a toe! Let's get into a story, shall we? When I was 7 years old, my father comes home with his knew invention, the fried potato smoother. What it does you might ask? It was meant to smooth feet. With potatoes. However, the machine broke, and when they finally got the machine off of my foot, my big toe was missing, and what was there as a replacement was a small, purple potato. So you might be asking to your self, why is this not a tape? Well it's because nobody ever made fun of my potato toe. Not once. Until I moved to Potatoratoville.
So at the time, I had one friend. Ashely. So she forced me to go to a party and well, I started to like it (right after I stole her drink, and made her make me two more, of corse.) so toward the end of the party, and the end of the night, two guys walk down the street. Ashely and this guy, Josh, are making out, and she dead stops when she sees these guys. She gets up off of Josh's lap, and yells "Hey, meet my friend, Ryan!" The guy on the left was straight, but the hot one, the guy on the right, not so much. My gaydar was going up, and so was my dick. Anyways, the right guy raises his hand at me and yells "hey dude! I'm Dallon." Ah yes. How nice. I knew his type. The gay guy that straight people wouldn't guess is gay because he plays sports and doesn't wear flannel. The one that's also a total dick. But I couldn't help it. It all started with his smile. That damned smile. I couldn't look away. So they came back to the party, and after one or two ( or 10) more drinks, we were on the mother fucking floor. And Dallon and I, we were next to each other. So I'm not sure if I told you all this, but at the time, I was not only a virgin, but I never kissed anyone. I was completely untouched. So when Dallon Weekes asked me out, my head was going up and down so fast, you'd think it would fall off. Now I bet you all might have a clear image of what's next in these tapes. You probably think Dallons gonna let Pete pass around an embarrassing photo of me to the school, then have Gerard and Frankie become my best friends and then we all split up, except they get together, and then Frankie will make a list of hottest guys and their features having me for "best ass", then Patrick stalk will me and take pictures of me, Mikey will make out with me and then lie to everyone which not only covers his ass, but makes me look like I don't want mine covered, then Andy will try to sexually assault me at diner, then Melanie will spread around my poem to the whole school making me look like the looser I am, then Dallon will allow Gerard to be raped by Pete, Ashely will then knock down a sign causing Tyler's death, then with all that happening, I fall in love with Brendon Urie even though I just assumed he hates me, and when we go to have sex, I will kick him out because i felt like it and then I will be sad because he left even though I forced him out, then Pete Wentz will rape me and the stupid teacher won't help me, so I kill myself .... right?

Well, actually, what happened was my head actually did come off. I was nodding so viciously that it snapped right off. My head practically exploded! I felt like I was in The mother fucking Walking Dead! So how the fuck did you come up with some crazy, fucked up story like that?? This isn't 13 Reasons Why!? Is it????!!!! So yeah. That's it.
My parents were pretty devastated, but they sold my brain for potato juice anyways. And guess what? My toetato was the longest potato ever to survive without rotting! So although my death was sudden, I feel my life was pretty accomplished in a way.
Oh, and get this? There's a mother fucking after life! They put me in some old random house, and a new family just moved in. The Uries. Two adults and one super hot kid named Brendon. The fathers a psychiatrist, the mothers a house wife. And I'm pretty sure the father cheated on her with some lady who lives in Boston? The father is getting all freaked out when the old made comes in because his twisted mind seems to think the old made is some hot girl luring him in. Ha, ironic that he's a psychiatrist. Oh and yesterday I helped scare away some bitch that flipped on Brendon for smoking. She ran away so fast you could hardly see the tears falling off her face! So yeah, I took that all in in two days! And I found a pretty good pick up line for a dead dude. "Hey, I'm Ryan. I'm dead. Wanna hook up?" Brendon thought I was a catch. *flips fake weave* the humor comes naturally. So yeah, I guess Brendon and I are now together. All in all ends well! The Potatorato factory is doing better than ever thanks to my old pops, and I'm doing better than ever too. Now that I'm dead, I got to get a new toe! It's normal now and not even purple or a potato! And is it just me, or when I died I got 100 times hotter? I don't really know, but I think so, and I think Brendon does too ;). Life was ight, but afterlife is mother fucking GOOD! I love you all, *waves hand queen in carriage style*, mwah, mwah, you beautiful people! I've got you, I've got brendon, and I've got potatoes. Marry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!