Scars from the Darkness

↬ｏｎｅ

Everyone thinks the older you get the more you should start to fear death but in retrospect you fear death the most when your young and are pretty sure have so much of a life and time ahead of you..But if you stand back and look at the whole circle of life, the day you are born starting your path of dying. Some might call me a pessimist but it's the truth. Every second you breathe that turn into minutes, then hours, then days...your dying. It's like there's an metaphoric hourglass hanging over your head and each grain of sand is a day you live and each day you wake up a single grain drops in the bottom half of your hourglass, showing you that you are one day closer to death. The sad reality of it all is, every life isn't promised but death is inevitable. 

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Sometimes in the depths of a stormy evening, I'll get out of bed around two in the morning,  just like tonight. and sit on the dripping roof and listen to the rapid tapping of the rain hitting surfaces and being shortly interrupted by the lightening strike of the sky, then the loud crash of thunder that follows after. Closing my eyes the feel of the wind as it strike across my drenched face and hair is almost rejuvenating. The feeling of what is if I spread my arms, and  I can feel myself lifting into the dark sky, thunder rushing across my body and lightening missing me by inches. Taking me far away from this hell, but soon I'm thrown back into my harsh reality with as much force as a meteoroid plummeting into the earth more than 25,000 miles per hour. It's funny how the feeling of hope drives me but once it's crushed right in front of my face, I'm ten times worst than I was from the start of it all and more and more difficult to get hopeful of leaving this horrible life.

I sit on the small roof for hours at a time waiting for the sound of my therapeutic rain to die down as I envisaging these thoughts of this quote on quote "life".  Most of this time I wonder how just one single person have been dealt my cards of life and would have to endure so much in it. Did these things happen because they thought I could handle it? Because they would be badly mistaking because my life feels as if I'm treading in a ocean just surviving, but the thing is I'm tired of surviving because I want to live. I want to stop treading the water and swim full force to the land. But I can't! I'll always be stuck in the middle of the sea just hoping to keep my head over the water, because that's just my reality and I have no choice but to deal with it. 

My thoughts start to come to a slower pace, when the rain stops and I see tint of the rising sun. I'm almost positive it's about six in the morning. Meaning it was time to start a another year of school. If my house hold wasn't screwed up enough I have to go to school and deal with a whole other level of adversity and of course I have no recollection of why I'm so hated and outcast at school. 

Some days I would prefer to stay home with my aunt and her over alcoholism because getting beat on by one person is almost a hundred times better than multiple kids, multiple times during the day. 

But I've already dealt with this for two years, my Junior year should be a little more manageable. Right? 

I pull up the latch of my window and climb though into my room. I walk though the threshold that connects the room to it's bathroom. I peel off the drenched clothes, draining them out a little in the bathtub before dropping them in the light brown, basket weaved hamper. 

I step into the decent sized tub turning on the shower. The warm water gives my a jolt due to the fact my body has been so used to the chilling rain water for the last four hours. I wash myself at a decent rate but become very delicate as I run the rag over the inside of my forearm. Letting the soap softly cascade my new and old scars. The scars cover almost every spot from the wrists to the crease of my elbow on both arms. I can remember almost every reason for each scar individually. Some scars a short little nicks here and there that I think are from my aunt and the issues that came along with her and the kids at school. While most span across the entire arm and I'm a hundred percent certain those are from the thing that puts me in the most  fear still to this day. I reminisce about how so much was taking that day and how nothing has been the same since. How I'm trapped in my mind and I can only escape it from cutting frequently and taking a crazy amount of prescription pills to get my mind to a somewhat promising place.