How to rule a king

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AN: My shower is steamy. So is this chapter.

Ronja:

I had made a huge mistake by judging my husband instead of trusting him when the look in his eyes had begged me to believe in him. Instead I had only listened to his cruel words as his hands had bruised my skin beneath their tight grip. And now, lying in an unfamiliar, cold, oversized bed all alone, I paid the price as no number of fluffy comforters could provide the warmth that would radiate from my lover's body whenever we would fall asleep holding each other close. Ever since I stormed out of the room in the middle of our "argument", which basically included him insulting me while I had screamed bloody murder at him, to leave Moscow and my husband behind, I had been residenting in this very room. To make things worse, I hadn't talked to my husband for the last five days, not a single word was muttered between us ever since I had left him behind.

When Vasyli had stormed into my arms as I had waited at the gates of the den for his return two days ago, he had been only slightly wounded, smiling proudly at me as he had claimed he and his father had defeated the Volkov enemies together. Alexei hadn't stopped his angry strides to join our little family reunion, leaving me behind in the cold without his protective and always slightly possessive hold around me as I had tried to convince not only Vasyli but also myself that the tears running down my cheeks had been evidence of my joy for my son's return, not the result of a broken heart. I had allowed our son to sleep with me in what seemed to be my room from then on, as his father hadn't bothered showing up at the apartment at all. The next day had been no different, Alexei's chair being left empty during all our normally shared meals, as well as me never hearing him return to the apartment until the early morning hours only to find him gone before sunrise. Hearing him come home, yet never feeling him slip into bed with me, had me breaking into tears as I cried myself to sleep every single night I had to spend alone.

My heart was broken into a million of pieces and to make things worse, it was all my fault. I should have believed him, should have put my trust in him as he never had disappointed me before. Yet, the thought of losing the child who had just accepted me as his mother and the urge to protect my son had been enough for me to leave rationality behind, so I had lost the love of my life instead.

Tears of blame and pain ran down my cheeks as I had played every heartbreak song I had on my IPod for at least three times, crying out my misery aloud, too exhausted to care who could hear me. Although the chances of anyone actually hearing me were quite slim. Vasyli had been allowed to spend the night on patrol around the den with Piotr, since tomorrow was a Sunday, meaning no lessons with his tutors, while Alexei never seemed to come home at all anymore. At least not this early, when I was still awake, occupied with crying my eyes out. As the last song on my playlist slowly came to an end and Avril had stopped singing about her lover being gone, I tore the earbuds from my ears, looking out at the cold Siberian snow covered woods through the ceiling-to-floor window as I sniffed a few times before I forced my aching bones to sit up to at least change my clothes before falling asleep all alone once again. I took an insecure, shaking step towards the window, feeling weak due to the food withdrawal my body had experienced for the last few days. Ever since our fallout I hadn't found it in me to actually eat something, instead I had sat next to a happily chatting Vasyli through every single meal, trying my best to hide my pain, while I had kept staring at Alexei's empty spot. I bent down to search the pile of pillows on the armchair on the far right corner next to the bed for the shirt I had hidden behind them. I came up empty handed.

"No..."

Please no.

I was sure I had hidden it there before having breakfast this morning. Throwing the pillows on the floor, my movements got more frantical as I tried to find the shirt. Alexei's shirt. I had found it in the living room the morning after our fight, when I had returned home. I would wear it at night, pushing the far too long sleeves down my arms, bringing my shirt covered hands to my face so I could at least smell him at night when I couldn't feel him sleeping next to me.