Stare Like You'll Stay [h.s.]

Chapter 4: I've tried to escape but keep sinking

Present - March 2017 - Rachel's POV

I lied, I can't do this.

I stared down at the text I had sent just under an hour ago to Harry, my mind reeling over everything that has gone on over the past 24 hours.

Staring outside the hotel window as the sun began to disappear behind the horizon, I realized quickly that the hole I spent months digging myself out of was, in fact, swallowing me whole again.

Laying across the window sill while blowing the cigarette smoke that had cycled through my lungs out the small crack of the window, I wondered how much weight the windows could take before they broke and I found myself falling to my death.

I knew long before our relationship ended that Harry had intended to make solo music and that, more or less, there was a chance that a song or two would be written about our relationship. However, the second I hit play on the CD Harry had given me earlier today, what was left of my heart had completely dissolved and disappeared.

Harry had written a beautiful album that was going to expose almost every aspect of our relationship to the whole world, something that has been my biggest fear since this whole thing began.

The tears that have been, and continued to, stream down my face since "Meet Me In The Hallway" filled the hotel room, were of both anger and sadness. This was about my life too, something that I never wanted anyone to know about, something I don't think the public deserved to know about.

I made it to the first chorus of "Two Ghosts" before shutting the CD off in disgust and rage, blinking through my tears long enough to text Jeff and let him know that I couldn't be part of this project anymore. As if "Two Ghosts" wasn't bad enough, the topics addressed in "Carolina" were enough to send me over the edge.

Earlier today when Harry apologized to me, something I never thought he would do with sincerity, I thought he was apologizing for what happened during our relationship. I now know that he wasn't just apologizing for those months, but was also apologizing for the songs he had written.

Putting my cigarette out on the metal window frame, wiping my damp face of the pathetic tears that refused to stop, I glanced at the fully packed suitcase of mine I never took the time to unpack. I guess a part of me knew I was never going to commit to doing this. Part of me felt foolish while another side of me felt relief, knowing I could go back to London and continue on with my life, deciding that the closure I thought I needed wasn't worth going through all of this.

Walking into the brightly lit bathroom, I quickly washed away the smeared makeup on my face before digging through my toiletry bag for the one thing I couldn't stop thinking about today. I could already feel the tears starting to build up in my eyes again when there was a loud knock at my hotel room door.

The loud boom startled me, causing me to drop my bag to the floor, it's content now scattered throughout the linoleum. I scrambled to pick everything up as the knocks continued, getting more forceful with each second as I began to panic more and more.

Zipping the bag up and setting it back on the counter, I inched quietly towards the door as if someone was going to hear my footsteps against the padded carpet floor.

"Open t'door please, Rach." Harry's soft voice came through the door, a small thud letting me know that his forehead was now leaning against the soft wood. Biting my lip, I slowly approached the door, unlocking it with a click and peering out to Harry who stood in the empty hallway.

His hair was disheveled and there was a look on his face I didn't quite understand, his eyebrows scrunched together and his eyes jittery before they finally locked with mine.