Stare Like You'll Stay [h.s.]

Chapter 10: Buried deep within there's a human

April 2017 - Present - London, England - Rachel's POV

"When did they start dating? Harry and Camille?" My bold question took Jeff by surprise during our morning breakfast. Harry was still asleep in the guest room when I left this morning. I decided not to wake him, knowing that I wanted to ask Jeff this exact question.

His eyes widened as the words rolled off my tongue. The question was random enough to even cause him to choke a bit on his tea, but I didn't care.

Yesterday was weird between Harry and I. After our morning coffee, things carried on almost as before. Well, when we were just friends. He had a few phone interviews to give in the afternoon. While he was doing that, I was putting the final touches on the press list for his Today Show performance this week.

The tension between us was still there, but we tried our best to work around it. Harry ordered Thai takeaway from our favorite place off Portobello Road and we spent the evening talking about his plans for the next few months. We find that talking about work helps us communicate without arguing.

Shortly after finishing dinner, however, Camille's name flashed on his screen. I could see the hesitation in his eyes, almost as if he didn't want to answer it. He did though and excused himself in the guest room. They talked for what seemed like hours and I eventually went to bed without another word to Harry.

Now, I am at breakfast with Jeff and all I want to know is how long they've been seeing each other. I even tried to do some archive diving late last night, searching the gossip websites for any reports on how long they've been together. So far, nothing.

"Come on, Rach. Why does it matter?" Jeff said, averting his eyes from me completely.

"I want to know, Jeff. I need to know if they are serious enough that I have to get used to seeing her around more." Although she seems like a lovely person, the image of that rose ring on her finger has been silently driving me insane. How could he give that to her? Does she know I gave it to him? 

Jeff sighed and took a bite of his beans and toast before setting his fork and knife down. I could see it in his eyes he was trying to articulate his thoughts into a cautious sentence.

"I don't know, I think she started hanging around last July." Each word he spoke hit me like a ton of bricks. Last July? Harry and I didn't even end things until May. How did he move on so quickly? How have they already been together for almost eight months?

"I-oh oh okay, thanks for letting me know." I returned to looking down at my half-eaten breakfast, the avocado toast no longer looking too appealing to me.

"I know what you are thinking, Rach. And you can tell me how you feel, always." Jeff's arm reached across the table and he placed his hand on top of mine. No matter how comforting the action seemed to be, however, I felt nothing.

"It's just-he moved on fast is all." I spoke softly, briefly glancing around me to make sure no one saw my emotional state.

"They weren't serious for a while and then things kind of changed in the fall. He-you didn't see him when things ended, Rach. He was an absolute mess. I-"

"He brought that on himself, Jeff. Do you think I wanted things to end the way they did? You saw me too, you saw the state I was in." I whispered as tears filled my eyes. I slowly took my hand away from Jeff's on the table, hiding them both on my lap.

"I-I don't want to talk about this anymore." I shook my head, looking at the toast in front of me once more. Just one more bite and you can be done. Just one more.

Jeff and I didn't speak for the rest of the meal.

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Harry's POV

I didn't mean to, it just happened. I was looking for a fucking phone charger and instead, I found it. One of her journals. More specifically, the one dating from May to August 2016. The dates meant that this journal contained Rachel's thoughts before, during and after our breakup.

I wasn't going to read it, I was going to put it right back in the drawer where I found it. Instead, I could see a tiny piece of plastic peeking out of the pages, immediately recognizing it. Soon, I was sitting on the bedroom floor flipping to the page dated 30 June 2016 while holding the worn hospital bracelet in my hand.

30 June 2016

I think I'm going to die alone. I don't mean that in a self-deprecating "forever alone" kind of way. I mean it literally. If the past few months, or years rather, have thought me anything, it's that I will die alone. Even if I do end up finding the person I'm supposed to be with, I will likely spend my last few moments on Earth totally, and utterly, alone. 

When you grow up with so few people to call family or friends, you get used to being alone. But then, that one person comes into your life and ruins it in more ways than one. I could make a list of all of the ways he changed me. However, I think his biggest impact on me was making me realize what it's like to not be alone and how life can be when you have someone.

But now, here I am, in a hospital room, alone.

Just like I was alone in my flat when all of this happened, after I told him to leave me be. Just like I spent this past year traveling the world with a group of people, only to arrive to the destinations and wander the streets by myself. Just like I spent weeks laying alone in our bed, knowing that he certainly wasn't.

Now, I'm that person putting new locks on my door, hoping they will trap me alone in my flat forever. That way, no one can remind me of my failures, no one can judge my actions or the way I view the world. No one can hurt me in more ways than I can count.

Being alone means that you are responsible for only yourself, your actions don't impact those around you. And when you drop dead, by choice or fate, your life won't leave a lasting impact on anyone. You'll simply be a little speck that time will eventually forget, your significance in the world meaning so little that no one even remembers your name when you're gone.

The pain in my chest was constant as I read each and every word on the page. All of this is entirely my fault and here I am, dragging her back into this mess I created. Closing the journal, making sure the hospital bracelet stayed confined within its page, I shakily placed it back into the drawer where it belonged.

I felt myself standing in the empty bedroom for what felt like an eternity. The whole room still smelled like her as memories flooded my mind. This flat used to be my favorite place in the world. I would fall asleep halfway around the world dreaming of this place, this room and the girl who occupied its four walls.

The rush of emotions coursing through my body made me feel numb. So numb that I didn't even realize I had thrown the vase on the dresser at the wall across from me, tiny glass shards now glittering the floor.

"H-Harry?" Her voice was barely audible as I came back to reality. Glancing around the room, I realized her tiny voice was coming from down the hall. Fuck, how am I going to explain this to her?

I entered the hallway and found her hiding behind the front door, one of her eyes barely visible from behind the wood.

"Was that you?" She asked, her voice uneasy as she remained crouched behind the door. The eye I could see was frantically scanning the room, as if something was about to pop out and snatch her.

"I-yeah-I-sorry, I-," I stuttered, approaching the front door slowly. I could see the look in her eyes, the sounding of crashing glass triggering something deep inside her. So much so that she was afraid to come into her own flat.

Standing in front of the door, I slowly pulled it open further so Rachel came into full view. I realized, in that moment, that she was looking for some sort of signal to enter the flat, a heavy feeling sinking into my soul.

"It's just me, Rach. No one else is here."