it was depressing, lonely and dull. that's how the world is, for me. my parents are always fighting, throwing things and such, coming home drunk. i usually stayed at his place whenever this happens. but now, i can't even faced him anymore, i'm ashamed of myself. i don't have appetite to eat, i can't find myself to sleep, and i've been skipping schools. my life is a whole mess now. and i don't even care anymore. i'm laying in my bed, and one again i cry.
•
for the past week, i haven't seen him at all. today, i decided to attend classes, since this may be the last time for me.
i've been thinking to visit new york for a refreshment. maybe to visit my friends there and to move on from this depressing life. i've set everything up. i'm leaving in a week, and it would be better to tell him about this before i actually leaves. so here i am attending classes.
i stepped in to my class and sit down at my usual spot. there's no longer a smile on my face, my face became dull, no emotion at all. sometimes i wonder, can a person feel so terrible like how i feel now?
i heard a rumour about him and eunbi dating. well, i'm happy for him. at least, it's only me who's hurting, and he's happy. if he's happy, then i don't need to be worried about him for the rest of my life, i could leave in peace. still, i need to fix things with him. we should not ignore each other right? i mean we've been friends for so long and i don't want a stupid confession to ruin our friendship.
it's dismissal already, and i haven't seen him at all. even at the canteen. i tried texting him,
"hey, i know it's been long but i feel like we need to talk. where are you?"
not so long after, he answered.
"oh hi. um, i'm pretty busy right now. i couldn't make it, so maybe tomorrow? i'll let you know if i have a free time."
again, my heart became darker and hurt are written all over my face. where did the old jeongguk go?
•
i walked home, and went to a convience store to grab a drink. i passed the garden where he and i used to play. he used to sing for me there, we used to eat together at midnight. but now, all of them turns into memories. it was such a lonely night. i was walking when i saw him and eunbi, holding hands and jeongguk kissing her cheeks. the night became even more lonely, and i feel myself crying again. indeed, he is busy. he doesn't even have time to talk to me anymore.
the world is so cruel,
it is always her who got all the happiness.
and it is always me who suffers.
