Theres this panicky feeling in my chest that feels like its crushing everything when I think of losing you. I cry thinking about you not being here anymore but maybe thats what you need. I cant lose you, but I cant keep you. I cant let go but I cant hold on. I dont know what to do. If I let go it kills me but if I hold on itll hurt you.
My hands feel like barbed wire when they're on you, if I move wrong they'll cut and tear into you. I dont want to touch you, I dont want to leave scars on you. My tounge feels heavy when I talk to you, the words just wont come out and I'll never be able to say what I need to keep you but maybe thats a good thing. Maybe I shouldnt keep you, you dont deserve to feel bad like this, you dont deserve to hurt.
Ive never meant to hurt you but I have, and I dont know how to take care of what I did. Maybe if I leave it'll be better for you, you'll get over me, everyone will. You dont need me, you'll be okay. You'll find someone worth it, someone who will make you feel like you're the only one, someone who's good at showing what they feel, someone who's not me, someone who can do what I never could.
I'm sorry, I know you dont believe I am but god am I. I'm sorry I can never make you feel good enough. I'm sorry I cant show you what I feel with my actions. I'm so goddamn sorry for hurting you, I fucking hate myself for it. I just want things to be okay, I just want to make you happy and I failed so miserably and I'm just so goddamn sorry.
You're never going to read this so what the fuck, why not tell you everything you'll never hear. I've cried myself to sleep for so many nights, with thoughts of I cant fucking keep you here. I have to let you go. I cant keep hurting you. Im not good enough. I cant give you what you need. I fucking hate myself so fucking much knowing that I've made you feel like shit when I should be making you feel like you're my everything because god you are.
Within 3 months you've fucked me up, I write for you everynight. I can't go through any of my classes without thinking about you so much that I dont understand what I'm supposed to be doing when I'm called on. I can't listen to anything without thinking about you, I cant read anything without it reminding me of my words for you, I cant watch anything without thinking that none of these girls are even close to you and that I'd much rather watch you, I cant do anything without thinking about you.
I'm a fuck up. I'm a mess. I can't do anything right. You shouldnt be with me. You dont deserve this. I want to give you the universe and it angers me that I cant do that. I cant give you the universe, I cant give you the world, fuck I'm too scared to even fucking give you me right now. I just want to give you everything I can. I need to show you how I feel, but I dont know how to do that.
I need to be better for you. I need to change. I'm a monster and you dont deserve that. I'm not good, but god do I want to be for you. I need to be good for you. I need to be good to you, I need to show you how much you mean to me. I need you treat you like I should, like you're my one and only.
I dont know how to do any of this but I'm going to learn for you, I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy. I'll rip myself apart for you. I'll tear myself up if it means that you're happy. I'll jump into a fucking volcano if it'd make you smile. God I just want you to be happy and I would do anything for you. I cant let you know that though, I'm too scared to let you know that.
You're so compassionate, so selfless, so flawed and beautiful. I cant keep up. Its beautiful to watch you talk or be around something you love, its beautiful to just watch you talk in general but even more so when its about something you love.
I lay here in bed sometimes just staring at the ceiling thinking about you. I try and remember everything I can about you and I repeat it to myself over and over until my head hurts so I can remember you that much more. I just want to remember you, I just need you here and I'm not doing so good at keeping you. Im so sorry.
