Living with you

1

The night I was with those guys. Each time I thought of him. The first time he wanted me to, and I just wanted to please him. I wanted him to want me as much as I wanted him. Clearly I wanted him a lot since I was willing to give my body away to two random men.
The first guy however, was not great at all. I laid there while he fingered me, trying to moan loud enough so chris could hear me in the other room.
We had a code if anything went wrong, all I had to do was knock on the wall twice. I swear the entire time I wanted to knock on that wall, I wanted chris to come chase the other guy out of the house and take me into his arms. Then reassuring me that all this nonsense was unnecessary and he wanted me for who and what I am.
But, I never knocked. I was scared of what would have happened. I was scared that someone would have gotten mad. Either way I just wanted to please chris.
After the guy left I came back down to find chris with a massive boner. I don't think I'd ever seen it that big before. I told him the guy wasn't that great and was expecting him to take me into the room and Finnish the job. But instead he just acted like nothing had happened. Like I didn't just let some stranger come into our home and finger me on our bed.
The next guy I had to beg for. Chris said he didn't want to do this anymore and while the reason I wanted this was partially because I was horny and knew he wasn't going to fix that problem, I also was scared that if I didn't keep this going he would stop finding me desirable. I wanted to give him the same boner I gave him last time. The fact that I knew he was at work made everything much more "sexier" I suppose.
Finally, I got chris to agree. So there I was, letting this guy nail me on camera. I was planning to show it to Chris so he could see his little slut getting fucked good. The idea was that I'd show him the video and he'd get so turned on he'd have to have me right then and there. But, that wasn't the case.
He watched the video for a little bit, just kind of skipping through it. Then when it ended he tossed the camera to the side and went to go play video games.
And see that's the difference between me and him. I thought about him the entire time. When he looked at porn the most he thought about me was, "how am I gonna hide this from her?" or "if she didn't complain so much I wouldn't need this".
When he talked about how he'd fuck my best friend as he was fucking me I knew his mind was as far away from as it could be.
So I've come to terms, I am not desirable in his eyes. The man I love and have done everything in my power to please and attract the attention of, does not find me sexually attractive.