Iris

hi you guys, this my first ever story on Wattpad, so yayy, i'm part of the team now. this is just a short story that is kinda based on my own thoughts and feelings, it gets pretty deep. please no hate, and let me know what ya'll think. thanks so much!!

Chapter 1

Love wasn’t really my forte. It never seemed to work out too well. Of course, this was back in high school. High school was the era of first loves and first heartbreaks. Let’s see, my first time I thought I was in love was with this senior. It was my freshman year in a little high school over in Florida. The atmosphere there was a place of laid back teenagers that slacked off till it came down to their parents screaming down their necks to get better. I was nervous, and very excited. I was struggling with the idea of being honest with the people I met. Mom had told me not to come out for a little while so that people could get to know me first. That was very hard to do. I made so many great friends in the beginning that not telling the truth proved too hard. It was during high school I knew could proudly say that I was gay. Sadly, I couldn’t say it at home. My father was very much against the idea of gays having public freedom, so telling him that I would love to kiss a boy in public was not smart by any means. However, at school, I was a different person than I was at home. At home I was quiet and distant. At school, getting me to shut up was a whole new line of work. I finally felt that I could be open and just be who I am. During my freshman year, I was able to widely expand my circle of friends. It grew at a rapid pace that older minds like my father could never comprehend. I was just naturally talented at talking to people it seemed. The first time I saw “him,” I can’t say I was instantly head over heels in love. I happened to walk by him in the halls. It was merely a glance, but what I got out of that instance was one simple thought: he’s beautiful. He had ebony black hair, had to be a dye job, that was styled all over the place and seemed nearly animated. His body was incredibly fit(and I later saw just how fit thanks to a picture a friend showed me) and he was a reasonable height. His facial structure was soft, yet still firm. But his eyes, they were what got me. They were a kind of blue that could put crystals to shame. They were beyond description. It took me a month to find out his name. Adam, Adam was his name. In the time that followed, the name Adam was all that consumed my thoughts. That name, and those perfect eyes. I would cue every move between classes just so I could glance at him. When I went to a concert our choir was performing at, I was able to spot him in no time at all. I was in a hopeless crush, for the boy did not even know my name. I never spoke to him, never got the chance to hear that voice I had heard could make hearts swoon. Never got the chance to know him at all. But perhaps it is better that I didn’t, or perhaps I would have been in more pain when my friends helped me realize I could do nothing to be with him. So I decided to move on with life. I had once called that love. All it truly was had been a rush of teen hormones that refused to die. I considered myself lucky that I could break away from his hypnotic blue stare. I spent the rest of freshman year enjoying life. I did not get any boyfriends, did not try, just lived in the moment. Until about two months before we were to leave, I realized something. I had a friend, he was a junior at the time. His name was Derek, and he was great. Tan skin, dark hair, tall, and these brown eyes that held a whole world if you were to pay attention. I did pay attention, how could I not? We saw each other every day, at lunch. He would come up to me, or vice versa, and by the end I would have already laughed till it hurt. He was always so funny, and so odd. And a good listener. We could talk for quite a while. I had realized that I enjoyed being with him all the time. He made me happy, and he was such a great guy. When we were near, my heart would race to the point I feared I should call 911. I was unable to breathe correctly, and he was the only person I wanted to talk to or be with. My chest hurt whenever we had to separate. I knew in my heart that I actually loved him. And it got to the point I couldn’t lie anymore. I had pulled him aside and told him the honest truth. Told him about how he made me feel, and how sorry I was about it. He held out his arms and held me tight. He kept saying it’s okay, not to worry. I knew he didn’t feel the same, but he wanted to comfort me. He said that things wouldn’t change between us, and he was right. We stayed friends, we still hung out at school, we still texted. In fact, we got closer. I felt able to tell him everything, and he would listen and help me when I needed. He wanted to be there for me for the sole purpose that he was my friend and cared about me. I was so much happier with everything. By the time the next school year came, he knew all there was to know about me, that inside, I was not who I appeared to be. I was depressed. I felt I was never good enough to be friends with anybody, or that I ever deserved love. I always felt like the biggest human failure that existed. Derek always made me feel better, only because I trusted him, and he meant so much to me. I had other very close friends as well. I suppose my closest was Jessie. She had become like a sister to me over the summer. She had once been so quiet, but I was able to help get her out of her shell, and I couldn’t have been more proud. We hung out all the time. My parents had accepted her as another child, which was great considering I was an only child anyway. They had gotten used to her being at our house so much that they encouraged it. Mom absolutely adored her. I did too. So, let me think, sophomore year. That was the year of craziness. Adam was gone, having graduated the year before, so I had to get used to not planning my pathways to classes with a time slot made just to peek at his gorgeous features. So instead I just would walk with my friends, if they were around. If not, I would just blare music. Music had become my main source of freedom. I would just sit back and let it take me to whatever world the lyrics held. My favorite song was Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls. It was so beautiful, and it just took me somewhere else. In a different world where there was a chance for love. Well, speaking of love, I got lucky enough to see Derek on almost a daily basis, and I couldn’t have been happier. He was so amazing, just as he had been before. There were nights at home when dad would  make me feel absolutely useless, like he regretted having me. I would feel so broken, so unwanted and unneeded. I would text Derek and tell him what happened. The next day he would find me and hold me tight in his arms. He had a hold that could consume you, and you could tell when he cared. He would use both arms and hold on as long as he could. I was always ready to just break down in his warm embrace, but the air around him was so calm, carefree, and loving. He made me feel like I really did deserve a place in this life. Jessie was there for me too, but I always felt bad because she had her own things in life to deal with. She had a few problems mentally, but it was her business, and I wanted to keep it that way only because it wasn’t stuff I wanted to make her talk about. I know I wouldn’t want the world to know. But she was still my sister, in my mind, and I loved her. There was one morning, I say the morning that truly started this story, that I was hanging out with her and my normal group of random people. I had walked up to my friends, waiting for Jessie to show up. She always took forever to get to school, thanks to her lazy brother. So, I made around the corner of the brick wall that we always hung out at to find my continuously growing group. It was a mass of people chatting, hugging, laughing, and being as inappropriate as possible, if only to let off the steam of the day ahead. Well, on this day, there was a new and very noticeable addition. He was very tall, towering over most everybody, lean, reddish hair that seemed styled to perfection. He was, by all means, gorgeous. I walked up to my group, four people where I stood, including this tall guy, and they did their usual exclamation of my presence. A couple hugs here and there, then I glanced at the new person. He looked down at me, and in that split second I was captured. His eyes, they were a sparkling green, so incredibly beautiful that I could feel my hormones burning through my skin. A shorter heavier set girl, my friend Anna, smiled at me and said, “This here is my new boo, Nate.” Instantly I could feel my heart sink. Of course he was straight. They always were. Whoever said the cute ones are gay is a liar. I refused to let my disappointment show, so I played it off like I was incredibly happy for Anna. And I was, don’t get me wrong, she was a good friend. It’s just, I wish I had some kind of chance. Everybody kept saying I had to wait for Mr. Right to show up, that I just had to be patient, but I was getting tired of having patience. After so long of being alone, it really gets to you. Walking around school just made it worse. Everywhere you would look there would be a happy, perfect couple holding hands, kissing, dry-humping each other into the wall. It was disgusting, and it was unfair. I’m sure I would do the same thing, but I’ve never had the chance to find out. So, standing there, and watching Anna and Nate hugging and kissing just added a new tear in my heart. As usual, I didn’t let the pain bleed through my eyes. My mask came natural these days. My face lit with youth, my smile wide, my humor raging, it was all a normal routine to me now. Then again, I did have one thing, one mark that showed how I had mentally aged, how my body was getting worn. Under my greenish, silverish eyes, were bags, bags with lines that grew thicker and skin that got darker every day. I could pass them off as laugh lines or something, but I knew what they were. They were reminders. Reminders that I was a liar, a liar hiding in a shell and too afraid to peak my head out. My only relief was Derek, the only person I truly trusted to tell everything. Even after I would talk to him, guilt would flood my veins, because he didn’t need my drama, my pain, I didn’t need to force it on him. I had said so before, but he would always get frustrated and say, “Aaron, you are my friend, and no matter what I am here for you. I care about you, so stop thinking that you don’t deserve help. I’m here.” So I listened to him. I came to him when I needed him most. And after meeting Nate, I really needed Derek. First period came and went as it usually did, and as I made my way to my next class, there he stood, outside the door to his room as he always did. I walked up to him and hugged him. He hugged back, and considering his arms squeezed a little tighter than a normal hug, he could tell I was out of it. I whispered, “I’ll tell you later.” He nodded and let go. After he released me I moved on, avoiding the sad look in his brown eyes. My heart would dream that perhaps there was a chance he loved me, but I knew it was pointless. He had been dating the same girl for over a year, and he was a senior, there was no way he would feel for me what I felt for him. I won’t say I was jealous, more so I admired the girl that was able to capture his heart. I envied her like a child envies a movie star or perhaps a superhero. All I wanted was to be her. Or at least find the perfect guy like she had. Again, I envied women. Again, I felt pain in my heart like a fresh stab of a knife. Not that I would have known, I hadn’t ever self-harmed, no matter how badly I had wanted to. I could never face the shame, the look on people’s faces, the insults. It wasn’t worth it. The rest of that day dragged by slowly. Each class brought a new definition of dull and another reason to just sleep and stay that way. When lunch finally came, I was hardly able to keep my head in this world. Daydreaming seemed like such a better option. I was imagining what it would be like if that guy Nate was gay, and the life we could have. At this point, I was willing to daydream about anything to keep my mind off of Derek, and how bad I really wanted him. The bell rang, pulling me out of my highly enjoyable fantasy. I stood and followed the mass of students pushing to get out the door for half an hour of freedom from this never ending boredom of a class. I walked slowly, knowing he always was the last one out of his class. I leaned against the wall outside of our building while everybody else left chatting loudly and excitedly about who knows what. When the hall was empty, I felt safe enough to hum to myself. I was in the middle of “Iris” when the door opened and out came Derek. Slowly I walked up to him as he opened his arms. I wrapped mine own around his midsection and laid my head on his shoulder. He held me close and asked, “What’s the matter?” I swallowed the tiny lump in my throat. “It’s stupid.”  I unwrapped myself as he pulled me out to arm’s length with his hands still on my shoulders. “Nothing that makes you out of it is nothing. Come on, tell me what it is.” He lead us to the stairs and while we walked down, I was taking deep breaths. Finally, I spoke quietly, “It’s just, you know Anna, right?” He nodded. “Well she showed us her new boyfriend today, and he’s absolutely beautiful. I just, I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. Why can’t I find a guy like that? What’s the matter with me?” Derek put his arm around my shoulders as we walked towards the picnic table area just outside the cafeteria. “Aaron, I may not be able to tell you how good looking you are, but you don’t look bad at all. You’re a nice person, you care about your friends, and you see things others don’t pay attention to. There’s nothing wrong with you at all, you just refuse to see that.” I looked up at him. Again, I decided to listen to what he had to say, because I trusted that he was right. “Thanks D. I don’t know where I’d be without you.” He smiled and laughed, “Good, now let’s go annoy people.”