#squadgoals- A Modern Parodic Retelling of The Breakfast Club

The Joyous Union

It was a crisp Saturday morning at Shermer High School. The halls were silent. The security cameras were silently viewing what they always viewed on a Saturday- absolutely nothing.

Outside cars were pulling up to the front of the school. A silver Mercedes Benz was the first car in front.

"Well, hon, just try to have a good day, okay?" Claire Standish's well meaning babysitter looked at her. Claire's dad was at work.

"Did you say something, Kimi?" Claire asked, not looking up from her phone. She had been flipping through Musical.ly with her headphones in.

"Uh, no I didn't. Here's your lunch dear." Kimi handed her the purple Igloo lunch tote.

"Yeah, bye." Claire got out of the car still focused on her phone.

The car behind them was a white 2014 Kia Soul. Inside the passenger seat was Brian Johnson. His mother was driving the vehicle. His little sister sat safety in the back seat, strapped into her crash-tested car seat.

"Brian, I know if I let you take your Galaxy 7 into the library you'll just use it to watch The Big Bang Theory." Brian's mom gave him a disapproving look. "We did not buy you a phone to use up all your cellular data streaming Netflix."

"Mom, please. That was one time," Brian said. "I swear I'll just sit in detention and do nothing."

"Did you just raise your voice at me, Brian? 200 dollars worth of Twenty-One Pilots merchandise and this is how you repay me? We don't have money coming out the wazoo. Honestly, every time you fall down the stairs in your friend's Pranking The Nerd youtube videos that's another $200. It's time you got a summer job. Back in my day we did summer jobs!"

"Mom, I'm lactose intolerant. All that we have here in Shermer is an ice cream parlor," Brian insisted.

"Get out of my car. You're going to miss detention trying to yell at me."

"Mom I'm not yelling at you," Brian insisted, getting out of the car and sprinting into the school.

One car behind a dumb jock was sitting in his dad's car. His dad was complaining about the cost of colleges.

"You're an average white male. All you have going for you in scholarships is that you're an athlete. Maybe try to become smarter, like that Brian Johnson kid I saw running into the school."

"Dad," Andrew complained. "Stop. Just go."

"Okay son have a great day," Andy's dad said as his son left the car. "You show those delinquents who's the top dog."

"Dad you're embarrassing me." Andrew walked into the school.

The very last car was silent. Allison Reynolds was finishing applying her white foundation. It made her feel secure. It made her feel like people didn't know her true identity. Her mom was very tired. She was wearing a bathrobe and slippers. And she was very upset with her daughter, as she never got up on weekends before noon.

Mother and daughter said nothing as Allison exited the car.

Meanwhile, across the school, a troubled youth was digging through some trash cans. He finally found a folding chair. His goal was to appear as edgy as possible. So he took this chair and brought it with him to Saturday detention. This was sure to rile up Mr. Vernon.

The kids all walked through the freshly waxed floors to the library. They passed lots of anti-bullying posters and friendly reminders of prom.

Mr. Vernon was punctual. This was because if he was late to detention he would be under temporary suspension for the fourth time. The first three times he had been suspended for foul and vulgar language towards students. Another offense was when he locked John Bender in a supply closet. The PTO and School Board had threatened to press charges against Mr. Vernon for making them look bad. But that was kept under wraps so students wouldn't gossip.

"Hi kids," Mr. Vernon said as they entered the library. He had a good phony smile that would've made Holden Caulfield crumple. "I'm so happy you could join us today."

None of the kids spoke, as they weren't compelled to.

As John Bender passed the library assistant desk where Mr. Vernon was keeping his secret flash of mead, he slipped a laxative pill into the liquid. Then he sat down in his own grungy folding chair.

"Hey sir," said Andy.

"Hello, Andrew. Isn't today such a lovely day?" Mr Vernon asked the whole room.

Since no one replied Mr. Vernon went over to sit at his desk. He took a sip from the flask on the desk. Ten minutes later, he silently waddled out of the library and down the hall to the bathroom.