Halcyon

Chapter 6

I carefully place Karif in my lap, take my blanket in two hands and gently rip a strip of the white fabric off, tying it round my little kittens neck in a bow. He has put on a little bit of weight since I found him and I've lost some, he's been having what he wants off my plate, I'll be fine. Well I'm not fine. Every time I stand up my head swims and I see stars that fill my vision. I sway like I'm on a ship trying to cross choppy waters, but I'm pretty sure I am fine. It's just a bit of lightheadedness.

Karif picks up his tiny little body and hops over to me. He's proudly showing off his new little bow and I laugh as he comes and tries to climb up to my neck. I pick him up and plant a kiss on his little nose then place him in the small cardboard box Ma gave me to keep my toothbrush and cleaning things in. I beg him to stay quiet whenever she comes down to see me, if she sees my little ray of sunshine, my slither of hope that the outside world still exists, that will be taken away from me and I would go insane.

Autumn has always been my favourite season. The colours in the trees and the leaves on the ground fill me with joy. The warm auburn vibe relaxes me and I just feel that connection with it, unlike the cold empty bleakness of winter or the bright overwhelming glow of summer. Spring is ok though, fresh new green shoots of life cover every inch of soil you can see.

There is no sense of time down here, no telling what season it is. Ma never brings me food at the same time and she never lets me sleep for the same length of time each time. It messes with your brain, some days all I can think about is this room. Some days I think the outside is all in my brain and not actually there, a figment of my imagination and not real in the slightest. But I know it's real because if it wasn't, where would Karif come from? He comes from a place where autumn leaves compliment his ginger coat and he comes from a place where one day I will return. If only I can work out how. I talk softly to my little kitten and promise him  that one day I will take him.

***

Jade is sat next to me and I can feel her warmth against my side. You don't know how nice it feels to have the warmth of someone else against cold skin and I miss it whenever I'm not with her. I start to tell her about Karif and she's laughs and tells me one day she wants to come back to my place and meet him, I don't know how to do that though so I just smile with her and hope she doesn't ask again.

"You don't look well Esme." She tells me and I glance away so she can't see my face. "Esme what's up?" She grabs my wrist and pulls me to her so our faces are centimetres away and I feel her breath against my skin, the smell of her strawberry lip balm makes my stomach rumble. I move my lips towards hers and just as our lips touch the scene before me dissolves and I'm back in the room, I can no longer smell the artificial strawberry, the smell is replaced by the smell of cat wee.

"Karif...?" I call out for him softly and he comes bouncing over to me. I gently lift him up to my neck so he can sit where he normally does on my shoulder, "Jade noticed I wasn't well. Maybe that's a sign I should tell Ma".

I stand up and run over to the corner and feel a weird feeling in my stomach, like animal trying to crawl up and out. A rush of burning liquid comes out of my mouth and a fall to my knees coughing, again the foul liquid leaves my body and adds to the horrible smell in the room. I crawl over to my bed and curl up shaking amongst my blankets. Karif comes and curls up on my chest and unconsciousness takes over, trembling and cold I allow myself to sleep.