The Secret Notations of Riley and Sam

epilogue • [sam]

EPILOGUE

Riley,

I am writing this letter so I can formally say goodbye. I truly miss you but I can never see you again. As I sit with this pen in my hand I want to write down all the words that have ran through my mind while writing these secret notations to you. Who knew something so great could come from something so small. And to think about if I hadn't accidentally left my notebook in English class then you would have never found it and "this" would have never begun.

Maybe deep down I never wanted this to start because I wouldn't have a migraine and red puffy eyes right now if we had never met. Even though we went to the same school and had similar friends we had never met before. You a senior and I a junior, we would have never met and you would have left the school in a few months. But you would have never been able to leave the school formally, informally yes, you have left, but formally you will never graduate. I would have loved to be your date to your graduation. That'd be fun.

My fingers hurt from my scribbling, I hope you will be able to read this and make a few words out when it reaches you, if it ever does. I remember the night we first met up, I was shaking all over with nerves because we had been writing to each other for a long time. It's not the same, writing to someone and talking to them. You don't have to deal with the consequences and you can erase your words before sending them sealed with a kiss. Though handwriting really tells a lot about a person, more than a date or a kiss could, you knew about me deeply before we had even met and you didn't shy away. I thank you for that. 

I wish we could kiss. One last time, for me. But that will never happen and me wishing for it to come true will not even change the fact that you are gone and I am left to pick up the pieces and put them back together like a jigsaw or Humty Dumpty on the wall. Kissing you will not solve my problems, I wish it could. 

Alfie sends his wishes. He was your best friend and believe me he is torn up. But every night one of us calls the other and we tell each other about our day but mainly we talk about you. He misses you dearly. Chloe and Alfie are no longer together because Alfie has, unfortunately, changed. Everyone can tell, including me. I am still to decide whether his change is for the better or for the worse. Alfie says that when he leaves for college he will still call but I don't think he will, I don't want him to either. It isn't good to dwell on the past for too long, otherwise you'll get trapped in the past and not be able to focus on the present or future. I want to live in the present but no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to get you out of my head. 

My mum talks to me about you a lot, about how great you were and how you opened my eyes to a world that I had never discovered. Mum wishes you were here too. I guess we all do, even if some of us don't say it aloud.

I suppose I should stop writing now. There isn't anything else to say, nothing else to do. My last memory of you will stick in my mind for an eternity Riley, etched into my soul for all to see.

The poem I wrote for you when you asked me to is now pinned to my wall and every time I walk into my room I see it and smile because you encouraged me to write and now that is all I do. I write for you but I also write for myself. And I have decided to write our story, I want to do it while I am travelling the world and seeing all the places you wanted to visit. You will be there with me, in my heart.

I love you Riley Davidson.