Poems of Everything

Behind the Image

Please give me some feedback.
I wrote this essay as a writing sample for my teacher. It is not for a grade. It's just so she can learn a bit about me as a writer and as a person. But I'm kinda nervous and there is a typo. It says vendor instead of conveyor belt.

It is human nature to pass judgment based on the appearance and what is commonly associated with a certain look or attitude. It results in causing each individual to be self conscious with how they look, talk, walk, and about who they are. Although first impressions are important, it is also important to understand that there is more to a person than what you see on the surface. When people see a picture of me at a party, they do not see the anxiety moving a continuous vendor belt of worries. They can not see the struggle not to let those thoughts overwhelm me or the panic attack fighting to emerge behind my smile. It is hard for me to go to parties without having a panic attack but I try to endure and I smile until my cheeks hurt. I have fun being surrounded by loved ones but a part of me is rooted in anxiety.

No one can tell from my picture that I do not like attending parties. The truth is I would rather stay home and study, read, write, or anything I feel like doing at the time. My mom often says," You are a strange girl." My parents and my grandma frequently voice concerns about my social life. I suppose it is weird that I am not as socially active as other teenage girls. When my mom decides to express her concern I would say," You should just think of it as a blessing." It is a blessing that I am studious. I still put some effort to seem like I am having fun at the party I would rather not attend so I can ease their worries.

People would look at my picture and say I should smile bigger. Clearly they can not see any of the irritation that has been caused by smiling for too long. It is amazing how much attention is directed at someone's smile or face. My smile receives so much attention that clenched jaw goes unnoticed and the bored look in my eyes is overlooked. I learned quickly that smiling is a great tool to expel concerns of those near that something is bothering you. The best way I can explain it is that I have a time limit for social interactions. When I have had enough, I will stop paying attention to my surroundings and I drift off to another place. A place that only exists in my mind and the books I read.

I am physically present in the photos but mentally I am far away. My mind is still stuck between the pages of my latest novel or in my journal. I am daydreaming about people and events that I have never seen in reality. A picture can tell a thousand words but there is another thousand words that are left unsaid. The unknown words explain a different story and reveal what was going on in my head that cannot be seen from the exterior.

People look at the photos of me at a party and only see a teenager having fun. They do not see the active mind traveling to escape the confines of the walls people and their conversations have created. They cannot hear the voice of panic rising. They do not see the cold and sweaty hands. They cannot feel the shivers ride up their spine from a nonexistent wind. There is more to the picture that what meets the eye. It is reminder of how different I seem to others and that an appearance can be deceiving and obscure the truth.