➼ Reset

-one-hundred-eighty-one days after-

  2:31 AM. It's raining. I want to sleep but I am wide awake listening to the rain drops hitting the roof our our house and the street beside it. It's one of those nights I can't stop thinking about you. I wish you were here so I could tell you about everything I am thinking about. You know how I always get sentimental this late at night. How I feel the need to share my thoughts with another person. Too bad you aren't here to listen to them like you used to. I take out my phone and open up KakaoTalk.

Many months have passed since we last talked to each other. I have tried reaching out to you so many times, but each time you pushed me even farther away. Each time you made it more clear that I have no place in your life. Not anymore. Each time you broke my already broken heart just a little bit more.
Do you not care about how I've been? What your best friend has been up to? I don't think you care but I will tell you anyways. I've been miserable. I can't sleep, can't eat. Insomnia and depression became my new best friends. I am missing out on a lot of school because on most days I just can't get myself to leave the house. I have lost a lot of weight, too. My cheeks have become so hollow, I'm barely more than a stick figure. The dark circles under my eyes would make every raccoon jealous.
My sister came to visit a few weeks ago and she said I looked like a ghost. And to be honest with you, it feels like I am dead. I have no energy left to do anything. Without you, everything feels like an impossible task. I know this is ridiculous. I know I should move on and let you go for good. But Brian, losing your best friend isn't easy and I don't think I will ever be able to forget this. I wonder how you managed to forget me so easily. Please tell me so I can do whatever you did. I want to move on and forget you, just like you forgot me.
I am not mad at you, by the way. I am upset, confused and heartbroken. Not even going to deny that. But I am not mad at you. I have never been mad at you. I just miss you a lot. I think you know that. I hope you know that. But I don't think you care.
I wish we could talk. Tell each other everything we always wanted to say. Fix things. Make up. Become best friends again. But I know it won't happen. You hate me. I hate myself, too, because I still cling to the past so much.
I miss you so much, Brian. Please come back, I need you.

I hesitate for a moment. I was so sure I would hit „Send" this time. But once again I just delete the entire message and put my phone away. It's not worth it. No amount of messages will ever make him change his mind.