➼ Reset

-seventy-nine days after-

It's 8PM. I'm sitting on the couch in the living room, mindlessly switching through the TV channels without actually looking for anything to watch. I am bored and simply trying to distract myself. Being bored is dangerous. It gives me a chance to start thinking about him again, which is always a bad idea.
There's nothing interesting on TV, just a couple romance dramas I am not interested in, so I turn off the TV again and go back to my room hoping that maybe I'll find a better distraction there. Once I am in my room, I look around and try to find something that would keep me busy. I try playing video games for a while, but eventually give up. Not even that is keeping me from thinking about him. I used to love playing video games, but ever since Brian left me I haven't really enjoyed them. I haven't enjoyed doing any of the things I used to love since he left. I know I shouldn't blame it on him but he's the reason why I've been so miserable these past months. It's all his fault.
I don't even bother trying to read or do my homework because I know that isn't going to help either. I let myself fall down on my bed and turn my head to the side; my gaze lands on my guitar. I haven't even looked at it since Brian left me. We always used to play together, but when he decided to stop being my friend, I never had the motivation to play. It would have felt wrong to play without him. It was our thing, but it's exactly what I need right now. 
I stand up and grab my guitar from the corner of my room. I haven't touched it in so long; it has been standing there forever collecting dust. I wipe the dust away and sit down on my bed again. I quickly tune it and play some chords to get back into playing it. Yes. this is exactly what I need right now.
Unsure of what I should play first, I just start strumming one of the songs we always used to play together. And then another one. It's weird singing all the parts now. We used to split the lyrics in half and make a duet out of all the songs. We'd always sing the harmonies to whatever the other one was singing. It was always perfect. We loved to play our guitars and sing together, whether they it was our own songs or just covers. Now, I am singing by myself, and it feels weird. Playing our favorite songs without him is making me sad, but I don't stop. I just keep going and going.
Suddenly, I am not playing any songs I know anymore. Instead, I am playing a new melody. One I have never heard before. One I just came up with. And just as suddenly, I am thinking of lyrics and singing them along to my melody. It feels like all these months this song has been inside my mind just waiting to finally be played. I have written some songs before, but it never came to me this easily. Inspiration is a weird thing - it hits you when you least expect it and doesn't when you should most expect it.
I keep going, coming up with more lyrics and new parts of the melody; it's slowly turning into a real song. I'm putting all of my thoughts and emotions into it. Everything I've been bottling up for the past weeks is pouring out of me now. I get lost in the song and forget everything around me. The song... It's exactly how I feel about Brian and our current situation. I put everything I have into this song:

No matter how much I yell
You can't hear me
Seeing you walk away
I should've caught you then

One more time,
back to that day
Just one more day,
back to that time
If only I could go back
If I could go back
Oh I know I

I would hold you
So you won't be apart from me
For even a moment
I would give you my everything
I would have

I keep playing until a tear falls onto my hand. I haven't even realized that I started crying again. I stop playing and wipe the tears away. I guess my pathetic attempt at distracting myself didn't work after all. I wanted to forget him, but I ended up doing one of the things that reminded me of him the most. I feel stupid. I am mad at myself. I regret picking up my guitar. I shove it away from me and swear I'll never ever play again. Not until I either get him back or get over him. Neither is ever going to happen, so I swear to myself I will never pick up a guitar again in my life. I promise I won't even look at a guitar again, especially not that one since Brian gave it to me as a present on my 16th birthday. I hate it more than anything, but I also love it more than anything. Just like Brian.

I leave my guitar on the floor and lie down on my bed. I don't know what else to do, so I just stare at the ceiling, let my tears roll down my face, and allow my thoughts go wherever they want. But - of course - there is only one thing on my mind. There is always only one thing on my mind. Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian. 

It's like my whole life revolves around him. Everything reminds me of him. Everything is something I used to do with him. Everything I loved is something he loved, too. All the things that once brought me joy now break my heart over and over again when I think of them. I wonder if he feels the same way. I wonder if he suffers as much as I do. I think about the lyrics I just came up with a few minutes ago. I really would do anything to go back to the day he left me. I would do anything to get the chance to fix things and change this. I would do anything to have him back. I need him so much. But it doesn't work like that. There are no happy endings in real life; only broken hearts and empty promises. The tears don't stop falling until I fall asleep. 

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[A/N] I wanted to include one of the two songs that inspired me to write this. So I Included Day6's 그럴 텐데 (I Would) in this chapter and used the other song (Reset by Tiger JK ft. Jinsil, School 2015 OST) as the title of this story. I know Jae didn't write the lyrics in real life, but in this story he did.