Chronicles of Love and Other Stuffs

Yesterday Once More

Loneliness strikes me the most agonizing at night before I close my eyes for another nap. And here I am once again... staring blankly at the ceiling like it's the only thing to be seen in the world. I couldn't sleep even if I wanted to. The clock on the bedside table is screaming that it is already an hour past midnight. But I couldn't sleep a wink. I just couldn't when all these thoughts running through my head are forcing me not to. Thoughts that always hunt me at night. Thoughts that run in my head nonstop. Thoughts about her...

I stroke my hand across my cheek and there they are again. The tears of pain. They always come. I could not stop them. And they come inevitably at the most crucial times.

I stand and walk to the mirror. He is staring at me—the guy in the mirror is staring back at me. And I could see pain and loneliness through his eyes. They are wet with moisture. And I feel pity for him. For myself.

I breath once and close my eyes. Everything falls silent. I could hear the clock no more. Just the silence. I could hear just the silence. The deafening silence.

I press myself to remember things. And there they are. Coming through my head in rapid flashes. I could clearly see the flashing pictures. Pictures of her. And there are mine. We were together. And then I remember the day once again. The day that broke my heart to the tiniest bits. The day that shattered everything to pieces. The day that she... left. The day that I lost her...

And then numerous beads of tears fall down my cheeks once again. They are warm. Warm with pain. Sorrow.

And then everything is clear. Clear enough. The fact that I miss her. It is clear enough. There is no denying to it now.

I recall the first time I met her. I try to recall the pictures in my head. And they all come flashing in rapid transitions. She was sitting at a canteen table...

...all alone.

Her head bowed down over her plate.

Then I came, feeling bashful... asking her for a seat. She looked up at me. Her eyes met mine and mine met hers. Then we were locked up in each other's gaze. And she nodded without me knowing. I was too dumbstruck at her to notice anything. She waved her hand in front of my face. Then I was brought back to the world. I laughed. She laughed. And we were laughing by then.

I asked for her name. She asked mine. And we became friends by then. It was quick. Quick enough...

Then I became close to her... and she close to me.

The next images flash through my head quickly. Images of the next days after. And then the next days after that. And then they go on 'til the very images of the most special day. The very day I confessed. The very day my heart shouted out all my feelings. And the very day she said the sweetest 'Yes' I've ever heard in the world.

Things became so quick and hasty. You never realize a moment 'til it becomes a tattoo in your head. 'Til it becomes a memory that's stuck on forever.

And then the days went on by smoothly. Smoothly as I ever saw it. We were happy in each other's presence. We were happy and we felt nothing like sadness. We laughed most of the days that went by us. There was never a problem at all. Because I felt like there will never be a problem at all. And that brought me at fault. I was wrong when I thought there will never be a problem that will pass by us. Because there was one.

I open my eyes so I could stop the next memory from coming through my mind. I stare at myself in the mirror and take a grip of myself. But things just go even worse. Just then, more tears come running down my face nonstop. I couldn't stop them. Even if I wanted to. Because holding back the pain is a painful thing itself. Sometimes you just have to cry when you feel like it.

But then the thought of the very exact day of my tragedy pierces through my mind all of a sudden. The images of the very exact day flash through my head.

It was supposed to be a special day. We were sitting on the edge of the pier... watching the sun set behind the mountains in the distance beyond the horizon. The day was scarlet...

But then she looked at me with the saddest expression I ever saw on her face.

I could still remember it as clear as crystal.

I waited for her to say something.

And without a moment's hesitation... she said the weirdest thing I ever heard from her.

She was sick...

She said she was sick.

I smiled. Because I thought she was literally sick. Or something...

But then she said it the other way that it's supposed to be.

She was dying...

She said she was dying...

She was dying and I never knew it. She was dying and she said that it was nothing with a big deal for her. She was dying and she said it was nothing...

But for me it was something.

Something that clamped my heart. Something that brought pain to my chest. Something that brought the very first beads of tears in my eyes.

It was painful to hear her say that. It was such a sad thing. But then sometimes we have to accept things for the better good of something. She told me that. She told me that with the same sad expression she showed me...

And she kissed me her last kiss before she drew her last breath from the world...

And then in the next few moments... I found myself shouting and calling for help. And I was crying...

And then the world just shut out after that. Perhaps it was brought by pain. And sorrow.

I woke up later somewhere...

But then that was already some days past that very tragic day. I woke up some days later, yes. It was a depressing thing. I wasn't even able to say 'Goodbye...'

But at least I have shown her how much she meant for me. I have shown her how much space she owned inside my heart. I have shown her how I much loved her.

We have to let everyone around us know how much we loved them... and how important they are for us... because we will never know when we will have to say goodbye to them.

Time heals wounds... that's a fact. But up until now... I still couldn't forget the very thought of her. Of our times spent together in the past.

Sometimes you will never know the value of something 'til it's gone. 'Til it's gone forever. She wasn't something... until I was completely nothing.

She was my everything.

Up until now... it pained me to think of all the good times we shared together months ago. It pained me to think of the very fabrics of our memories...

Sometimes... pain is an upshot of love. Especially of excessive love...

I hope this is a temporary feeling... 'cause it's too much to bear. I can't take it anymore. I just couldn't wait for the day when I think of her and feel completely nothing akin to pain and sorrow. Because I know that she is in someplace with eternal happiness now...

And she's happy now.

~END~

—

This story is inspired by Ariana Grande's "My Everything." It's a sad song... It always brings a deep pain in my chest when I hear it, honestly...

And now I was inspired to make a short story out of it...

I hope you liked this...