Ephemeral

1%

Some people are like magnets. They bring in everyone and they're surrounded by people who love them and can't get enough of them.

I am also like a magnet. A magnet facing the wrong way. I repel people. I unintentionally push them away. No one stays for too long around me. My father's last words to me were, I'm sorry I can't stay here.

I found him later that day, laying in the bathtub in a pool of blood, wrists cut and an empty gaze at the door.

After that my mother moved us to a new city in hopes that I could forget what I saw with my six-year-old eyes. It didn't work, obviously. I have sketchbooks filled with drawings of the scene, always as accurate as the day I saw it, in hopes that the memory can leak from my mind and be stamped into the pages so that maybe I'd see something else whenever I close my eyes.

After finishing fourth grade, my mother had enough of me hiding away and forced me over to the neighbors to meet their son which was in my class. We had a few things in common, but didn't hit it off until seventh grade year when we both got bullied by one of the eighth graders and helped each other hide the bruises from our parents.

Around that same time Adrian got drafted. Those same words echoed through my head before he walked out the door. I'm sorry I can't stay here.

Mom started picking up more shifts to cover the bills so I wouldn't have to get a job to pitch in. I see her when she trudges in from her shift as I'm leaving for school and when she's out the door when I'm eating dinner.

When freshman year started, all the bullies forgot about Phil and he moved up the social ladder to linebacker on the football team. He left me like everyone else so all I had was the bullies who threw me into lockers if I took in too deep of a breath.

Freshman year was also the year the depression I inherited from years of having no one to turn to really took hold. I began to understand why my father did what he did. I also began to self harm a lot to let out all I held in.

As someone who is surrounded by nothing and has no one, it's difficult to understand who I liked. Girls were beautiful and guys were hot. Love in this school is often objectified. Girls were treated as objects and were expect to take their clothes off on the first date. No one took the time to get to know anyone. All the guy's were worried about was how far their dick could go down a girl's throat to tell their friends the next day.

I thought I'd never find out until one friday after school. The football team was going to the playoffs and Phil was bumped up to linebacker on the varsity team. We had both walked home from school at the same time but rarely said anything to each other. He was always laughing and on his phone. But that day I had decided to say something. As he walked up his drive I called out to him.

Good luck at your game, Phil.

He turned and gave me the most beautiful smile I had ever seen and my heart stopped.

Thanks Howell.

That was all he said but that was all it took to make my heart race. He gave a small wave and a grin before walking inside. It was only then that I realized that I had been holding my breath.

Later that day, just minutes after hugging my mother goodbye, there was a knock at the door. I opened it to find Phil standing there, his jacket over his shoulder and hooked on his finger.

You ready to go?

It took me a moment to respond.

Go where?

The game. You're coming with me.

Why?

You're my friend and I want you to go with me

I paused for a moment before letting him in and turning to go up to my room. He followed me up the steps, taking it all in. I opened the door to my room and realized I had left it a mess.

Sorry about the mess I don't usually have company.

He smiled softly and looked around. There were drawings littered all over my bed and desk. Some of them were doodles of people I saw passing by on the streets, some were classmates, and one was the one I had been working on of my father in the bathroom. I had had a flashback to that day and it bothered me so I frantically tried to erase it from my mind.

Shit where is it?

I couldn't find my jacket and it was freezing outside. As I searched, Phil sat on my bed and looked over some drawings he had picked up.

Ya know you're really good at drawing.

Thanks it's cause of my traumatic past.

He laughed and set the drawings back down. He started to reach for the one of my father and I panicked.

I'll just freeze. We can't be late right?

He looked back up and me and nodded. I dug through my closet, grabbed my shoes, and rushed down the stairs. He picked up his letterman jacket from the couch and followed me out the door.

We walked back up to the school in comfortable silence. I put in my headphones and turned on my music. At some point he pulled a headphone out and got right down next to my ear.

You're a good singer Howell.

I blushed and turned to look at him, thinking he had pulled away but he hadn't. Our faces were only an inch apart, if that. I opened my mouth to say something when a voice cut me off.

Hey Lester! Quit your make out session and get over here we gotta go to the locker room.

I whipped my head around to see who it was and my face turned bright red.

Oh suck a dick O'Malley.

Phil and Nathan laughed.

Hey if you're not gonna get with him I will!

Nathan winks at me and my eyes went wide.

Don't mind him. He is gay but he isn't like that normally, he's just messing with you

I nodded and he ushered me to the bleachers, sitting me in the front row. People started filling the space and soon it was completely full. Some people gave a small smile walking past me but most didn't acknowledge my existence.

The game went by fairly quickly, and of course, we won. I walked to the entrance of the school and waited. When I couldn't find him after twenty minutes, I decided to leave.

The walk home was a dark and quiet one, so I put headphones in sang softly to the music. I didn't notice the footsteps behind me and was startled when someone gripped my shoulders.

The coach was giving us a lecture and I tried to catch up to you but you were really far ahead.

He stopped to catch his breath. I gave him a smile and we walked together in silence. He must have noticed my shivering because he took his letterman jacket off and put it around me. Eventually, we reached my drive and he walked me to the door.

Thanks for taking me to the game I actually had some fun.

No problem Howell. Hopefully this means you'll come with more often.

Maybe so.

I turned from the door to face him, only to find myself face to face with him. We locked eyes and I wanted nothing more than to pull him down and kiss him. He began to lean down and I could feel his breath on my cheek. If I was going to pull away that would've been the time to do it, but I didn't. I didn't want to pull away from him. He closed the short distance and our lips connected. It only lasted a second but I could tell he wanted more.

Keep the jacket, Howell. You look cute in it.

He didn't move and I looked back up at him. He smiled and kissed my cheek.

Night Howell.

And he left me to process everything on my front step.